The Silent Battle

The Devastation of Pornography

From the Book:

Hope After Betrayal

Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage

Author:

Meg Wilson

Week #17  Path Lights-The Road Ahead

The thought of remaining in this place of pain for any length of time was unbearable.  As with any healing process, the pain diminishes over time, and some level of normal function returns.  There is, on the other hand, hard work and setbacks along the way. 

It's good to have some idea what to expect.  Of course, every situation has unique aspects.  But, in general, the first year is the most difficult, made worse in the likely event of multiple relapses by the husband.  Your journey on the path to healing is propelled forward when you come to understand that you can't control your spouse, and that your situation is not all about him.  Your attitude sets the tone.  Are you open?  Or shut down and angry?  Can your husband come to you without condemnation and wrath?  Do you think that being open and receptive means what he did was okay?  Having strong emotions is normal when we're in great pain, but there's cost involved in not dealing well with our anger.

Another key to the journey is to beware of out-of-balance times.  They still come, though not as often and not always because of sexual addiction.  These are times when you feel a growing dissatisfaction.  You become irritable, negative, judgmental, and unhappy.  If I let those feelings go on too long, I'm paralyzed, not having the desire to do anything productive.

So how do I get out?  I have to acknowledge that I need help and then ask God to step in.  Part of me doesn't want His help because I'm sure He will simply confirm what I already know-it's my fault, whatever it is.  I always have to go back to the basics: God loves me; He made me with a plan in mind; I can't work on the plan without Him.  Then I count the many blessings, and look at all the times God was faithful in the past.  Sometimes breakthrough comes quickly, sometimes it takes longer, but God always honors my request to get back onto His lap.  The one thing I have noticed is breakthroughs are usually predicated by breakdowns.

Remember healing is a process.  But be encouraged-God loves you too much to leave you there.  The more energy you put into the process of knowing God and through Him knowing healing, the more you will benefit.  There will be dark pits, but much light also.

Time and truth will shed new light on your situation. God will take what was intended for evil and use it for good.  Your story will no longer be one of shame and fear, but of victory over pain.  I trust that God will provide everything you need for the journey ahead.

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Week #16  Prisms-Accepting God's Design

Once the rays of God's love are allowed to penetrate the heart, the old gloomy pits are flooded with light.  We climb out of darkness, lit up by God's grace, and start to spread a little of that light ourselves.  Like sunlight through a prism, Christ's love, when held up to the raindrops in our hearts, is refracted into new colors-sparkles of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

When, for instance, my life is positioned in the midst of God's light, I see His rays of hope.  The irony is that it's painful.  It takes what you might call a precipitation of our spiritual tears, refracting the light of God's love into a reflection of all His glory.  So all of us have the potential to reflect the myriad of God's character traits.  We are all uniquely beautiful.

Before I go any further, it's important that I define a word that is grossly misunderstood.  Beauty, by the world's standard, has come to mean something narrow, superficial, and completely opposite of God's original plan.  In each of us, God has created a magnificent and complete masterpiece, and He has carefully applied each artful brushstroke.  Even more amazing, God incorporates those marks we bear that have been made by the Enemy-marks intended to mar His design.

 

As with any masterpiece, our beauty and worth have nothing to do with the paint, oil, or canvas, but everything to do with the Master who created us.  God's beauty never fades, and that loveliness is the unique light that shines from every human soul.  This light represents the eternal part of us that longs to be recognized and used according to the Creator's master plan.  No one else possesses the exquisiteness that is yours.

 

This may be the first time you've heard this truth.  You may have a hard time seeing your own beauty at first.  Take a moment and really meditate on this truth.  Don't wait to feel that it's true-decide it today.

Please don't skip over this important step.  A few women have admitted to me that it was easy to believe God loved others, but not them.  This is a lie from the very pit of hell.  Believing this lie keeps you at arms length from your heavenly Father.  This Father is the only one who loves you perfectly, completely, and without conditions.  We live in a tragic world, have you noticed?  There is One who is bigger than the biggest obstacle, trial, or injury.  God is the only one who can bring beauty from ashes.  Give Him your ashes.

This concept of beauty continues to be distorted.  The number of women, particularly young women, who have plastic surgery is growing each year.  Trying to fix the void in our hearts, from the outside, is nothing new.  Chemicals, drugs, food, status, shopping, image, beauty, gambling, sex, busyness-all are as empty as the internal void feels.  Nothing on the list will satisfy for any length of time.  Only God can give us eternal satisfaction, because He designed us to need Him alone-to be the only one who can fill our emptiness.  And we need filling-the filling of God's pure love.  It's the only remedy that brings permanent satisfaction.

There's a fine line between having low self-worth and being self-focused or narcissistic.  The line is humility.  On the one side I'm striving to prove my worth by battling the lies that say I'm worthless.  The other side says I decide my worth through fame, fortune, image, intellect, and so forth.  In the middle is truth.  My worth is priceless based solely on my Creator.  This truth is a great equalizer because it's true for all.  My worth is not more or less than anyone else's.  We are nothing except what we allow Christ to be in us. My understanding that I have nothing to offer apart from Jesus and unlimited potential in Him brings peace, freedom, purpose, and worth.

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Next Week #17 Path Lights-The Road Ahead

Week #15 Firefly-The Glowworm with Wings

The glowworm is not the only insect to produce its own light.  If you take a glowworm and give it wings, it's called a firefly.  If you take grace and give it wings, it's called forgiveness-and it is forgiveness that takes God's grace to the sky.  In the same way that wings offer the firefly freedom from gravity, forgiveness equals freedom to us.  Imagine the feel of soaring over a grassy knoll after being limited to crawling on a few blades.

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood of God's concepts.  Too many Christians try to offer a weak substitute that lacks the power of the real thing.  The freedom that comes with forgiveness is a powerful gift, but it must be entered into with caution-it comes with responsibility.  Forgiveness is not easy.  When I extend forgiveness, I'm agreeing to live with the consequences of another's poor choice-and I must also give up my right to punish.  The other extreme is enabling, protecting a person from the natural consequences of his or her choices, stalling that person's growth.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the other person did was okay, nor is it letting that person off the hook.  It must be understood that the person's value doesn't change because of a poor choice.  Forgiveness, too, is a choice not a feeling.

It's important to recognize that forgiveness is not the same as trust, though they're closely tied and are simultaneous processes.  Trust takes longer to rebuild.  So many husbands want their wives to "get over it" and are frustrated by their wives' lack of trust.  These husbands feel that they have to account for everything they do or say.  Accountability is essential to rebuilding trust and is a consequence of poor choices.  Never feel pressure to trust before you're ready-but always believe his behaviors.  An innocent man should have no qualms about submitting to accountability or scrutiny, especially if he desires to regain trust.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you become his warden, either.  His primary accountability should be to another man, or group of men, whom your husband is in contact with on a regular basis.  a husband's submitting to a counselor, pastor, or men's group who will ask the hard questions is evidence of growth.  A man committed to healing should grow spiritually from Bible study, reading and prayer.  Where appropriate, computer monitoring, filtering, and financial controls should be in place.  The amount of resistance a husband puts up to accountability says a lot about how serious he is in his desire to heal.  Remember-believe his behaviors.

Forgiveness is never easy, made harder when the offender shows little or no remorse.  It would seem to make sense to wait for an offending husband to ask for forgiveness.  But that puts him in the driver's seat, effectively letting him decide when and if the wife ever moves forward.  A wife's decision to heal should have nothing to do with her husband's understanding of what he has done.

It's also important to understand that forgiveness does not mean remaining with an abusive person, or forgoing the pursuit of restitution if warranted, or having your say in court.  It does mean that letting the natural consequences happen is for the other person's growth, not to make you feel better, fuel your revenge, or meet your need for justice.  Chances are, without our act of forgiving, we'd feel unsatisfied no matter what the legal outcomes.  The only way we can move on is through the emotional freedom of forgiving.  Otherwise we feel like we're dragging around another person everywhere we go.  Not only is it exhausting, the burden impacts everything else we do and all our other relationships.

It takes time to grow wings.  The larva of the firefly grows it wings inside its cocoon.  The space between your anger and your willingness to let God's grace work in you might be compared to a cocoon, and spinning that cocoon is hard work.

So you need to do the work, and then be patient.  Like the larva prior to its transformation, you cannot know how free those wings will make you feel until you try them out.  You might have to take my word for it at first, but once you take flight and experience the wind beneath your wings, you'll understand that forgiving has given you freedom.  The first step is being willing; let God do the rest.

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Week #16 Prisms-Accepting God's Design

Week #14  Glowworms-Absorbing and Applying Grace

I can count on one hand the number of people I know who have "it".  "It" is hard to define, but people who have "it" seem to radiate care and to value everyone who gets near them.  For years I couldn't figure out what drew me to these people.  I now understand that "it" was grace-God's grace, like the soft luminescence of a glowworm.  Grace is undeserved favor and unconditional love.  Others are irresistibly drawn to a person who has Christ emanating through her.  This person allows the Holy Spirit to fill her with warmth until her glow shines all around her.

Glowworms must first fully accept God's grace into their own lives.  But once people are filled by this gift of grace that they can never earn, they naturally pour it out onto others.  Grace flows out of the heart-a heart full of thanksgiving and humility.  Once people find the stream of Living Water, they want others-everyone-to experience it.  This desire is in stark contrast to codependency, a condition in which a person gives and gives out of her need or emptiness, hoping to be filled in return.  Resentment and exhaustion are the typical results.

Grace is something a human heart cannot produce.  We simply choose to let God pour it in and through us-or not.  When we're filled with the Spirit, the glow of grace, much like a glowworm's bioluminescence, is evident.  When it comes to grace, Christ is not only our example of grace, He is the source.  The hard part is being obedient and trusting in the truth when the enemy is trying to fill us with all the reasons that our anger is justified.  When grace dwells in us,  we look different and then make a difference.  

There's one more detail.  Grace isn't grace when it costs us nothing.  If I decide to simply let someone off the hook and God isn't in it, then I'm a doormat or enabler (someone who allows another to remain unhealthy by removing accountability).  Grace doesn't remove the consequences of a poor choice-it removes the need to condemn.

Offering counterfeit grace is a common mistake that women in the church make.  They're not looking at an offender the way God does; they are taking the path of least resistance, or avoiding confrontation, or hoping the offender will be sorry enough not ever to offend again.  All the hopes and good intentions in the world do not equal one ounce of grace.  It's up to God to decide when and where we serve and sacrifice.  Grace means God decides-and I obey.

  

I tried for years to muster up Christlikeness and extend grace.  No one was fooled except me.  What I thought was grace was a cheap counterfeit.  Good behavior could never substitute for being surrendered to, and guided by, God's Holy Spirit.  Christ wants to live through me, not be misrepresented by me.  I give thanks for His patience with me and for showing me the truth:  all my striving was the opposite of surrendering and was hard work expended for not return.

I still pray for God to give me a heart of compassion for all of His hurting children.  Daily I give thanks for His patience with me and His unfailing love.  I pray for more of His heart of grace.  I have seen the difference the Holy Spirit makes time and time again, and yet even with all of these sightings, I'm convinced that what I've seen is only a glimmer of what He has to offer.  Here are more glimmers to add to your collection.

*I can't, but God can

*God loves me.

*God can change what I can't.

*His grace is enough

*Grace casts a light that changes everything

 

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Next Week #15 Firefly-The Glowworm with Wings

Week #13 When God Humbles Us

When God humbles us, it's never easy on us.  I remember thinking that it made sense to cut my losses and run.  I didn't want to be the fool again.  This felt like a rational decision, and I could have backed it with Scripture.  God made it clear to me through the Holy Spirit, however, that I was not free to leave my marriage.  There was no peace in that decision.  God, being omniscient, knew there was still hope.  Though it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I listened.  In my spirit His assurance resonated: God wasn't calling me to a life of heart-wretching pain and being physically at risk over and over.  If my husband chose to go back to his old life, I would then be free to go.

I'm glad I listened to God and took another chance.  Had I trusted in, and acted on, my own logic and pride, I would have missed out on so much healing.  I would also most likely be married to a whole new set of problems-or the same ones in a new set of clothes.  God understood my need to get healthy first.  I trusted His heart of love for me.

We have to be careful not to grab onto one piece of the truth while missing the whole intent.  God's heart is for His creation, and as His children we have available all the resources of heaven if we will reach out in faith.  I have never seen anyone put total trust in God and be disappointed-never.  I have, however, seen many people ask God to bless their plans, then go ahead with less than perfect results.

Giving up is not the same as surrendering, any more than breaking is the same as bending.  When we surrender to God, we will hand over our right to self out of a heart of trust, not a crushed spirit.  We honor God when we seek His best and acknowledge His sovereignty.  He is a gentleman waiting for us to bow so He can come in and reign.  This pliability is a picture of true humility.  Pride is what keeps us rigid and unable to bend.

Pride doesn't always express itself as selfishness or arrogance.  It can also disguise itself as false humility or self-deprecation.  For example, I would say, "It isn't that I don't trust God, but I don't trust myself to trust Him."  I was hung up by what I couldn't do, and I'd beat myself up every time I failed.  "I" was at the center, and it was all about me.  The harder I tried to please God, the more I failed.  I was unworthy of God.  Knowing I could never be worthy of Christ's love, I assumed I was worthless-and the Enemy confirmed it.

Then I learned the truth.  When my focus was on my failure, or even on my success, I was expressing pride.  Either way, I am not worthy.  But being unworthy is not the same thing as being worthless.  My value, in fact, comes from my Creator-God Almighty.

We have value because of the One who created us.  We're all like priceless works of art.  The value of a painting, for example, has nothing to do with the type of paint or canvas used.  Its value comes from the artist who created it. 

I often see other women who have gone deeper into a pit.  Settling in the dark, their pride is expressed in being a victim, sure that they can't come out.  This is a common pit in the shadowland.  It keeps the focus off what they need to do as well as what God wants them to do.  They don't see the arrogance in deciding that their situations are somehow too big for even God.  These decisions never take God by surprise.  Just because God doesn't stop an evil act doesn't mean that He planned it.  He walks through it with us, providing the strength, wisdom, and power we lack on our own.

The shadowlands of pride lie all around us on the path to healing.  They can at first appear to be just a shady spot to sit and rest, and without some divine help, we aren't even able to recognize it as a pit.  Those dark pits that others can see, though I'm blind to them, those are the places where I can do the most damage and the most damage can be done to me.

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Next Week #14 Glowworms-Absorbing & Applying Grace

Week #12  Shadowlands.. Avoiding Dark Places

We've all spent time in the shadows along the path on our journey to healing; places pocked by dark pits of pride-self-righteousness, resentments, and even self-reliance.  We must take care to stay where the light is and go around the dark pits of pride that I call shadowlands. Our eyes must remain on Christ and our feet on the path that He has laid out.  It's easy to mistake these pits as offering a cool place to retreat out of the sun, but they're really traps out of the Son's presence, and they are to be avoided.

As complicated in meaning as we sometimes make Scripture, its overriding theme is God's love.  This love is not the human kind of affection, which is fickle.  It is godly, completely selfless.  This purest form of love from our Creator's heart was glimpsed when His Son, Jesus, was on the cross, fully obedient to God's plan for His death.  This kind of self-sacrifice looks like foolishness to a world born in sin and selfishness.  Yet we were created for this type of love-we yearn for it, to both receive it and give it.  Only God can pour this pure love into us, and we can't give it without His pouring; we can't produce it ourselves any more than a thistle can produce blackberries.

 

Humility in humans is the opposite of pride, and is the result of a person realizing that she is intimately known by God. When we see ourselves and others in the light of God's love, all is revealed and nothing is hidden.  Who I am, who others are, who we all are in relation to God becomes clear.  We are all His creation, made in His image, yet poor reflections.

Nothing holds a spirit hostage like the need to be in control.  The saddest part is that this need is a self-made pit.  Every time my goal consisted of being in control, I left God out of the decision making and shut off His power.  My pit was full of reasons why I was right and others were wrong, and why they didn't deserve forgiveness.  As less light of truth got in, the deeper I dug myself into the pit of pride.

To do any digging, a person needs a shovel-and emotions serve as the shovel.  Not all emotions are unfounded, of course.  Feeling grief after a significant loss is perfectly legitimate.  Grief that results from betrayal, though, can be tricky.  I had to ask myself, "Am I grieving over loss of trust and security?  Or am I grieving because this just isn't fair and I deserve better than this?"

Emotions keep us in the pit, and any emotion not founded in God's truth is the shovel we use to dig ourselves deeper.  While my emotions feel real to me, they aren't the real problem I must deal with.  God created feeling as indicators of spiritual well-being. Fear, resentment, and worry should have been my indicators that I was in a pit.  I often assumed they should guide my decisions, so I acted rashly, and ended up camping out in the pit with my shovel.

Rather, these emotional indicators should have encouraged me to pray and seek God's wisdom.  Any emotion has the potential to keep me in a self-centered pit, but when I chose instead to let them guide me to a place of prayer, I was given illumination and I could see my way out of the pit.  Whether I stayed in the pit or climbed out always depended on how I dealt with the emotions and the driving force of those emotions.  But each time I fell into the pit, I needed to ask God to shine His light of truth into it to show me the way out. But first I had to put the shovel down and stop digging.

Our desire to lean on our own intellect is understandable.  Intellect develops from past experience and we use it to discover much of what is true.  Not wanting to look stupid, I tried hard to learn from past mistakes and my environment.  In an attempt to reduce pain, I picked up unhealthy coping strategies in the process.  But God also wants to use experiences to teach us.  Faith is trusting God's character, even when the evidence suggests doing the opposite.  When I accepted Christ as my Savior, my old method of learning had to become new.  I recognized that He is the only thing worthy of my reliance.  He was and is all I need.  I had to replace my own attempts to change myself with Christ Himself.  He was able to do the work I alone never could.

I know that trusting what we can't see feels risky and illogical at first, like putting faith in an inanimate object.  I remember my first steps of faith, but experience soon revealed that God was trustworthy and real.  My trust in Him grew. When I compared that to the darkness of trying on my own to no avail, I soon realized that it was not foolishness to place faith in an all-powerful God; it was foolishness to place faith in myself.

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Next Week #13 When God Humbles Us

Week #11 Laser...Friend or Foe

A laser is a highly concentrated ray of light.  Used correctly, it can promote healing, cleanly and precisely cutting away dangerous growths.  Used incorrectly, it can destroy everything in its path.  Anger is much like a laser.  Righteous anger can be healing when it springs from pure truth and is motivated by love.  Take away that pure mixture by adding a half-truth, a hidden motive, a pinch of fear or pride, and the result will be hurtful instead of healing.

 

Because of the power of anger, most people either avoid it or misuse it.  As a result, anger has a poor reputation.  Anger is not inherently bad.  The Bible records Jesus as having been angry on occasion.  Since we aren't God, we must carefully look at how our anger differs from His.  In order to get to the core of our anger, we must look at our hearts because "Out of the overflow of his heart his mouth  speaks" (Luke 6:45)  Motive for anger, then, is the key to its core.

Our problem is that we're often blind to underlying motives.  In order to respond with appropriate anger, rather than react impulsively, we need to stop and invite God into our anger.  A few moments of restraint can prevent lasting and devastating consequences. 

On the other hand, if we avoid anger altogether by stuffing, denying, or bypassing it, we harm ourselves. 

One way that women, especially, avoid anger is to talk themselves out of it: "If  I,m to be a good Christian, then I need to give in to others."  This feels like grace, but it's really unresolved anger.  The problem is, anger doesn't go away; it tends to ooze out in other ways.  A woman may yell at the people she loves for no reason, or carry around little resentments like a bag of pebbles.   She doesn't even realize that others can hear her pebbles rattling when she speaks.  Some women are so afraid of their anger and keep it so well hidden that no one knows the pain, shame, and guilt they carry.

What these women don't realize is that we all get mad.  It's a God-given emotion.  Anger has a purpose.  It's a warning light.  It's designed to tell us that some other emotion is out of balance and needs to be corrected.  Its flashing tells us to look deeper and see what is wrong.

Anger has three possible triggers-shame(embarrassment), pain (injury/loss), and helplessness (lack of control).  Once we find the real cause of our anger, then we can address that core issue with an appropriate response-which may well include anger.

At this point I would be remiss if I didn't mention the dangerous side of anger-abuse.  I want to be clear on this point.  Anger that's used to control, manipulate, and hold another emotionally hostage is out of control and abusive.  It typically starts with name-calling, emotional jabs at a person's self-worth, painful teasing, public insults.  It progresses from there.  Eventually the abuser is yelling, grabbing, pushing, slapping, and becoming increasingly aggressive and violent.  Remorse follows.  So  too does more abuse.  Even just one of these tactics is abuse, and it won't stop without serious intervention.  If you or your children are being treated in this fashion, please seek help.  If you are not sure, but you think you might be in an abusive relationship-you probably are!

  

Anger is complex.  It can be used to get others off track because it derails most conversations and puts people on the defensive.  And though it's not the primary emotion, it can take on a life of its own.  Anger actually comes out of deeper emotions that are harder to identify and own.  Remember, anger is often the result of hurt, embarrassment, or helplessness, but an angry person rarely addresses the core issue.  He or she doesn't see that the boiling geyser really springs from deeper feelings.  They only see red.

 

God created all of our emotions with purposes.  In the same way that pain from touching a hot stove tells us to move our hand, feeling emotional pain should tell us to move.  Our anger should be a yellow warning light.  Its flashing should cause us to look at our circumstances carefully and make a change or get help.  More often, rage is a red light identifying a pending explosion.  Taking the warning, getting all the facts, and finding the truth will ensure an appropriate response instead of an inappropriate reaction.

I grew up in a family where my anger wasn't okay-or emotions for that matter-and I learned to avoid them.  My parents used explosive anger as discipline.  Theirs was a painful and damaging laser.  I learned to do whatever was necessary to make it go away.  When others were angry, it made me uncomfortable because I felt responsible.

I learned the hard way how wrong I was, but it took along time for me to realize I wasn't responsible for anyone else's poor choices.  Blinded to the truth by my experience and misconceptions, I needed God to break through my unhealthy thinking.  Once I recognized that I am not responsible for another person's reactions, I stopped helping my husband manipulate me.  I see how unhealthy my thoughts were.  I wasn't extending grace; instead I was enabling him to avoid the truth.  Now I bring up issues regardless of how small I think they are, and if my husband overacts, I wait.  By refusing to be dragged into his tirade, I'm free to stick to the original topic.  Once he's quiet, the topic can be restated.  After a few weeks, my husband even noticed that he could no longer manipulate me.

 

God created each of us to carry our own load, but our burden shouldn't include more than one day's worth of anger.  Our fury at first seems so sweet to embrace, but the longer we carry it, the more it becomes lumps of bitterness.

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Next Week #12 Shadowlands-Avoiding Dark Places 

Week #10  Lanterns-Safe People

I call them lanterns - because they are mentors who shed light.  As the process of looking out for obstacles continues, you'll find that your desire grows for God and for truth.  As the Lord reveals additional obstacles, He graciously provides people who also see pitfalls and roadblocks that we might otherwise miss.  God uses others who are ahead of us on the path to shine a light to help us.  They're living proof that two are better then one.  When we're in a weakened state, it's important to be surrounded by people who are safe and who provide biblically sound advice that points us in the right direction.

Allowing others to see that we are visually impaired makes us vulnerable.  So it's essential to approach possible lanterns carefully and slowly. Beware the tendency of being too open-sharing indiscriminately-as well as being too closed off-not sharing at all.

Both delay healing.  Just let God identify the right people and the proper timing, because the wrong person can cause more damage, while the right one can be a craftsman of God.  I've met many women who can attest to the damage wrought by the wrong person

Moving forward in our healing will, at some point, mean letting others in.  The first and safest step you can take is to tell God all about it.  It's time to stop pretending He doesn't already know what you're thinking and feeling.  Once you've bared your soul to Him, then move on to telling others as appropriate. 

God's Word makes it clear that we're not meant to be individual islands.  He calls us to meet together, to encourage one another, and to confess to other believers our struggles. Pray for God to direct this important step of finding mentors.  If something doesn't feel right, get another opinion from someone you trust.

Safe people will not condemn you or your husband. They rely on God's wisdom, not their own, and this makes them good listeners.  They understand that listening is more important than talking, and that asking questions is more valuable than giving answers.  And listening and asking questions is a sign of an objective person, as well as a humble person.  Humble people ask questions because they know they don't have all the answers. 

So where do you find safe people when it seems so easy to find the unhealthy?  In truth, with God's help they get easier to find.  The best place to start is with prayer.  The hard part is to patiently wait for God to identify these safe people.  When we're looking for a lantern to shine some light on this path of obstacles, pitfalls, and roadblocks, it's difficult to wait for a person to reveal his or her character.  But this wait reduces the chance of trying to read our maps under a wavering light, while reminding us first to place our lives under God's steady light.  The best way to avoid additional injury is to move slowly and always talk to God before you talk to others.

 

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Next Week #11 Laser-Friend or Foe

Week #9  Getting Knocked Off Course

by Obstacles

Getting knocked off course by obstacles begins as soon as we're old enough to understand disappointment.  Most people enter marriage already having taken many wrong turns on the general path of life.  Betrayal by the one you love brings any positive forward momentum, of course, to a halt.  This deep disappointment tends  to throw up all kinds of obstacles.  It can send us spilling into ditches previously dug by low self-esteem, negative self-talk, prior losses, or abuse.  From the bottom of the ditch, the path to  healing and health feels completely unattainable.

One reason we often don't see these problems is because they're too familiar.  It is within our families that we learned how to cope.  But if we grew up in a home with poor communication or outbursts of anger, these same behaviors feel familiar and often continue into our marriages.

This is why addictions and abuse are typically passed down in families and why unhealthy people find each other and marry.  Their behaviors are viewed by each other as normal. 

Learning to replace lies with the truth found in God's Word is the only way to rebuild a house that is sturdy enough to withstand the extreme pressures of life.  Although rebuilding is not an easy process, there are laws and a blueprint.  

The first law is a solid foundation-God's immutable truth, which can't be altered and which keeps us grounded.  When God speaks, He clears up any confusion about what is lie and what is truth,  which provides a sense of peace even in the face of difficulty.  And the more we know about our heavenly Father, the clearer His voice becomes.

   We must set boundaries.  When I don't set boundaries, I pave the way for others to sin.  I fell into this snare by taking responsibility for things such as others' decisions and feelings.  I was quick to assume all responsibility for any problem.  Then I'd turn around and not take responsibility for my choices, emotions, or reactions: "You make me so mad."  These are a few of the lies that trip us and make us fall flat, and instead of being a servant, we become a doormat.  Christ modeled servanthood but He was never a doormat.

As God opened my eyes to my lack of boundaries, all of my relationships grew healthier.  I became a better friend.  My "yes" meant exactly that and my "no" was definite.  There was a great deal of comfort in knowing what responsibility was mine and what wasn't.  It was so freeing to realize I'm responsible only for my own feeling and choices.  One friendship didn't survive because when when I stopped taking responsibility for her moods and the behaviors that resulted from them, she couldn't handle it, couldn't accept responsibility for herself.  I now know it's better to lose an unhealthy friendship than to lose myself in the process of trying to keep it.

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NEXT WEEK #10 LANTERNS-SAFE PEOPLE

Week #8 First Shimmers

No one gets through life without running up against a few obstacles.  These hazards are strategically placed by the Father of Lies and are constructed of deceptions.  Many lies come from our past experience, misinformation, or our own wrong assumptions.  These roadblocks have been added since the time we were children and are a consequence of living in a broken world.

Although some of these obstacles are obvious, which should make them easy to identify, they often go undetected or ignored.  A few may even be tucked beneath other objects, out of sight.  We have a skillful guide, though, in Christ and an accurate map in His Word.  As we get to know both, God gradually makes the hazards visible to us so they can be avoided or replaced with the truth.  Step by  step the slow and gentle process takes place as we allow God to be our eyes.

The Enemy's lies leave us vulnerable to his schemes and push us off course.  When he wants us discouraged, negative, or hopeless, he simply plops a big lie in our path for us to trip over.  It can be a dark voice that says things like, "You can't do that." or "Who do you think you are?" Or it might say, "Go ahead, you deserve it," or "A little won't hurt."  The Father of Lies goes from telling us, "You are lord of your own life," to "You are worthless."  In the arena of lies, there is no consistency-and there are no rules.  The Enemy will use whatever works to turn us from what is right, honorable, and good.  He's all about keeping our eyes in blinders and our feet tripping over the obstacles.

For some, the most powerful lies are ones that produce fear.  For others it's the lies that produce anger or hopelessness or some other dark emotion.  When Satan pulls at his thread of lies, we're like puppets on strings, backing away from whatever God is calling us to do.  Until the lie behind the emotion is identified, the emotion appears to be moved, our actions speak louder and to the contrary.

Our eyes can be opened only when we believe, with absolute confidence, that God is all-powerful, merciful, and all-knowing.  He alone holds the answers and the plan for our lives.  When this powerful truth moves from theory to reality, then there is no fear greater than God.  It's important, then, to identify even one lie and recognize its power.

How do we identify lies we're too blind to see?  God has to show them to us.  Once He opens our eyes to them, we can cut the string of that lie so it no longer has the power to move us.  Focusing on the truth keeps us in the hand of God where we belong.  Lies, though, take many shapes, and it takes time for us to identify them; it will be a lifelong process.  We can be thankful that God is patient.

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WEEK #9 Getting Knocked Off Course
By Obstacles

WEEK #7  LETTING GO

Another way to minimize, with a bit of rationalization thrown in, is to convince ourselves that pornography isn't that bad.  Finding support for this position is easy, especially among casual observers.  A lot of people feel pornography is harmless entertainment that doesn't hurt anyone.  But these people aren't the wives of the habitual porn users-nor are they correct.  They simply haven't seen firsthand the destruction that families suffer after addiction to pornography is disclosed.

Nor does ignoring the connection between pornography and sex offenders change the factual and statistical link.  Studies have shown that men who regularly view sexual images have less respect for women.  These men become conditioned to objectify women and can become increasingly more violent toward them.  Minimizing and rationalizing the use of pornography also includes making excuses for a husband's behavior: "After all, he's under a lot of stress and needs a release," or "At least he comes home to me."

Self-blame is one of the most subtle lies that our Enemy whispers in the darkness.  Most of us betrayed wives have ended up trying to compete with "it" even when we weren't sure what "it" was.  Some women even get caught up in the addiction, agreeing to view pornography with their husbands, telling themselves that their sex lives will improve.  Most end up feeling used and cheap when it becomes clear that, for their husbands, the sex act is all about feeding a physical addiction and not at all about connecting with them at a heart level.

Blame as a coping mechanism isn't always explosive.  Sometimes resentment smolders like magma beneath the earth's crust, and each humiliation remembered by the injured wife builds more pressure beneath the surface.  The searing is usually done through sarcasm, mean-spiritedness, that bubbles to the surface.  The children, too can get spattered with lava if they mention something about Dad or act out because of anxiety.  Whether it explodes or smolders, blame is about turning the focus elsewhere.

Let me say a word right here about judging the sex addict.  It only makes sense to look at certain behaviors, including our own, as good or bad choices. Any person who engages in extramarital sexual activities has made a bad choice.  Saying so or thinking so is not being judgmental-it's noticing a fact.  Taking it upon ourselves to "fix" someone else or to administer punishment is being judgemental.

Blame, then, is a deceptive tactic.  While it feels right, a wife's focusing on her husband's behavior prevents her from looking at her own. Although we did nothing to cause our husband's addiction or affair, we are responsible for our reactions.  And that's where we can begin.

*I am responsible for my reactions. 

*I am responsible for only me.

*God is all I need.

*Nothing is too big for God.

*I can trust God with everything.

*God's love for me is not conditional.

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Next Week #8  First Shimmers


WEEK #6  ALL I WANTED IS REVENGE

All I wanted was revenge.  I didn't take time to think about what the consequences might be.  After I discovered my husband's affair, I was so angry all I wanted to do was make him the bad guy.  Everything I did was aimed at getting back at him.  I thought that would make me feel better.  I wanted to give him some of the pain he'd given me.

Then to get back at me, my husband served me with divorce papers.  It all happened so fast!  I'd never really wanted a divorce.  I wanted to make a point, get revenge, and gain control-yes-but divorce? No!

 

Well, if that's what he wanted, then I'd get the best divorce lawyer in town and get the largest settlement in history.  If he wanted a fight, I'd give it to him. I was sure that no judge would be on his side.  He'd abandoned me, and I just knew that the court would make him pay.

 

Then a few days later, I walked into our local coffee shop and saw my husband with that woman.  I had to leave.  My rage was boiling like molten lava.  I knew if I opened my mouth, nothing but red-hot-hate would come out.  I was surprised at how shaken I was by my thoughts, with imagining in detail what I wanted to do to her.  How did I get to this place?  How long would I have to live with this bitter taste in my mouth and this sick feeling in my gut?





The choice to let God do the work in rebuilding your marriage takes faith, and it takes a strength of will to keep making that choice over and over.  The tendency to take things into our own hands comes much easier.  When we try to take control of our crises, we usually resort to unhealthy means.  Minimizing and spiritualizing are other means of denial.  Blame is not as blatant a coping mechanism as explosive anger but is no less destructive.  Any method, or any combination of methods, is only a form of denial to sidestep reality, and so is based in lies.  Any method of avoidance only aggravates our problem and keeps us stumbling around in the darkness.

   



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NEXT WEEK #7

LETTING GO

WEEK #5

THE NATURE OF ADDICTION

Another reason I needed to seek God's guidance is based on the nature of addiction.  Because I'd been living with an addict, certain patterns had been established in Dave's and my relationship.  The point is, God can use disclosure to be the catalyst for looking for, recognizing, and changing those patterns, and for ultimate healing.

 

I needed to be willing to let God show me my own part in the unhealthiness.  Although wives are in no way responsible for their husband's addiction, we always have our own issues to address.  My challenge was to determine what had kept me in the dark for so long.

 

At first, I wanted to focus on what my husband had done.  That's the safest and most common tendency for betrayed wives.  Standing back on our perceived innocence and pointing a finger just feels so right.  I spent a lot of time reminding God of all the ways I'd been a faithful and loving wife.  God listened patiently and then gently revealed to me more of the truth.





I'd always known I was responsible for my reactions, responses, and relationship with Christ.  I know that one day I'll stand before the Lord and give an account.  No one else will stand with me.  I can't blame my spouse for the choices I've made.  Nor is anyone without sin, not one-not me.  I new this was true, but I wanted to apply a sliding scale to measure my "little" sins.  So I asked God, "Why couldn't I have married a little sinner like me?"  I was stuck there for a while.  How could God have let me marry this man?  Why hadn't his addiction come out years earlier?  I was full of questions.  God listened.

 

Then He gently and lovingly showed me how things looked from His vantage point.  Sin means, "To miss the mark," and it encompasses more than I might think.  Not just the "biggies" like murder and adultery.  A superior attitude, for example, is off the mark: "My sins are miniscule compared to my husband's."  This belief prevented me from receiving all God wanted for me-such as becoming more Christlike-and hindered my healing process.



 

Another way I missed the mark was to lean on my own understanding, which is a vastly limited understanding.  The right thing to do didn't always make sense to my limited way of thinking.  The whole truth was that every time I decided not to follow Christ, I was disobedient-I was in sin.

God showed me that all sin separates me from Him and every sin has the same, inestimable price tag-the blood of His Son.  Though my sin may not have the same consequences as other sins, it is just as costly to God.  My responsibility begins and ends solely with my choices in the presence of the Almighty.

 

 

 

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NEXT WEEK #6  ALL I WANTED WAS REVENGE



WEEK #4

WAITING FOR DIRECTION

Waiting for direction isn't easy.  When the blackout of betrayal shrouded me, I sat there in the darkness, knowing I needed to respond.  But how?  My initial reaction was strong, as it is for most women.  And it's usually based in fear, and stemming from varying degrees of pain and anger.  We're afraid of the unknown-what happens next.  Doubts about making the right choices leave us confused.  Unable to decide which way to go, we instead move around in a swirl of emotions.

At the moment of blackout, we're angry at our spouses, at others involved, or at God.  The anger then usually morphs into fear.  That fear attaches itself to any number of preexisting issues like low self-esteem-"Is there something wrong with me?-or lack of self-control-"How can I hurt him back?  All these emotions and issues can easily lead the betrayed spouse into rash actions that may cause even more damage to all parties concerned. The extent of ongoing damage seems to depend on our initial reaction, so the goal is to minimize the damage that occurs at the point of blackout.



Our tendency is to look for quick solutions in all the wrong places-in our emotions, from our friends, in solutions that worked in the past-rather than wait for the best choice to be revealed through careful searching.  It takes time for our eyes to adjust to the darkness.  Trusting only in what we think we know can easily cause more bumps and bangs.



 

Complete surrender to God's direction is the only way we can thread our way along the dark path.  But everything in us yells at us to gain control, to thrash around in the dark and find our own way out.  That panic and thrashing is why it's so important to wait before we act.  We need to put an emotional space after the blackout but before the rash choice.  Emotionally moving away from the pain enables us to look at the situation with some objectivity.  All of the energy spent in our emotional thrashing about needs to be put instead into listening for God's healing voice.  Let Him lead the way even though you don't know where it goes.  Wait and see what only He can do.



So how do you know if it's God or you in control?  The best way is to wait for the Word of God, the input of the people of God (mature believers), and the Spirit of God to line up.  When the response I was thinking of was confirmed by the Bible, by others whom I trusted, and by a feeling of peace about the decision, then I could move forward in confidence.



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NEXT WEEK #5 THE NATURE OF ADDICTION



WEEK #3

Blackout Part 3

Responses to the secret lives of husbands are as varied as the women who discover them.  But these women also feel some things in common-the initial disbelief, shock, anger, even self-blame.  I remember the stories of the women in the first support group I attended.  As I listened, I remember thinking, Most of their experiences seem far more severe than mine.  After all, my husband came clean before his addiction had progressed past pornography.  Comparing my story to theirs and minimizing what my husband did found me thanking God it was "only pornography."

 

When the blackout of betrayal drapes your spirit, you have trouble finding anything recognizable in your world.  Know that God is not thwarted by what has happened.  His plan for your life is secure.  He didn't want this, but He can work through it-if you'll let Him.  If your not sure you believe in God, don't worry-He believes in you, and He brought you to this place.  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Heb. 11:1)  Right now you may not have hope for your future, and you probably don't yet see anything good.  But be sure and be certain of it anyway. 

 

After the disclosure, it's hard to be certain of anything-except pain.  It's difficult to remember to eat, or even breathe, let alone to think or to pray.

 



Some betrayed wives believe that, because they're in pain, God is absent or missing.  It breaks my heart when women believe this lie.  In reality, when we are in pain, we find God at a deeper level.

The next lie women often buy into is believing that they are somehow to blame for their husband's betrayal.  Whether they conclude they should be more attractive, available, supportive, thinner, curvaceous, or less of a nag, the lie is the same-they think it's their fault.

Sexual addiction is simply someone's using the natural drugs found in his or her brain chemistry to medicate emotional pain.  It's not about sex.  Let me say this again, because I know people have a hard time grasping this truth: Sexual addiction is not about sex; it's about escaping and avoiding pain.

 

It's important to understand the basis and nature of this addiction, not as an excuse or justification, but as a point of reference. The facts simply do not support the belief that the wife is at fault; the husband came to her already dependent.  Most men assumed it would end once they were married.  Their feelings of love for their wives were sincere, so why would they need anything else to satisfy them?  The sad truth is that the addiction already had taken control.  My husband's addiction is not about me.  I wasn't there when it started.  I didn't do anything to cause it.  And I could not change it.  Truth is a powerful healer.











Take this opportunity to see if God really exists.  Unlike man, God will never leave nor could He ever be unfaithful.  Let Him hold you, heal your broken places, and guide your next step.

Say these and let them penetrate your dark place:

*There is pain.

*There is hope.

*It's not my fault.

*I am never alone.

*I can place my entire situation in God's hands.

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NEXT WEEK #4  WAITING FOR DIRECTION 



WEEK #2

BLACKOUT PT. 2

Although my spirit was clouded in despair, making the choice to believe cleared my vision.  I concentrated on the soft and loving voice of my Savior, and not the shrill screech of hopelessness trying to break through.  You see, a spiritual war was raging in my head.  As I began to pay attention to my inner thoughts and the feelings they provoked, this connection of thoughts and feelings helped identify when God, rather than Satan or me, was speaking.



God's voice spoke loving words and never brought condemnation or despair-only light, hope, and healing.  Even His discipline produced hope, because this new path I'd chosen to follow was clear, and the old mistakes of trusting my security to the wrong people and things were forgotten. 



I began to understand that darkness, depression, and despair were the product of lies-those lies kept my eyes on me or on Dave instead of focused on God.



With Christ, my situation was never beyond help.  Sometimes just telling Him, "Lord, I feel like this situation is beyond help,"  led me to see that I could keep putting one foot in front of the other.  What's more, I've seen that He is available to all who are willing to surrender to Him.  Regardless of how severe the betrayal, women who choose to let go of their need to control the outcome of that betrayal and place their complete trust in Christ are never disappointed.

 

This doesn't mean everything will be resolved in a neat package, tied with a pretty bow.  I don't want to minimize the truth here.  Even after I handed it all over to God, I still needed to sift through a great deal of pain.  I still needed regular self-reminders: Meg, stop the wondering and the why-ing.  You've handed this over to God.  Nor is every marriage healed.  It's also true, however, that even the most broken places in your heart and spirit can become resplendent with faith and time.  Every woman I know who has wholeheartedly sought God has found Him.





Women who were not willing to let God have their hurts, who hung onto them for whatever reasons, tended to become stuck in a sad place with their pain.  Their deepest pitfall was their failure to trust God.  Their refusal or unwillingness to believe they could let go of their pain, shame, unforgiveness,  anger, or entitlement left them floundering in the dark.

Are you unsure about wanting, or being able, to let go?  That's okay.  Simply take a chance.  Ask God to help with the uncertainty-you have nothing to lose.  On my own I could never have figured out God's plan,  I needed Him to show me the impossible.  Not only does He love to intervene in hopeless situations, He loves to do so much more than we could ever have thought or asked.



After I recognized God's presence, His leading about how I should cope with my situation became clearer.  Although putting my life back together again seemed impossible, I knew that miracles come only out of the seemingly impossible, and when they do, God alone gets all of the credit.

 

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WEEK #3 BLACKOUT PT.3



WEEK #1

Blackout

Brutal Betrayal

Betrayal by the one I love left me in utter darkness.  Suddenly I felt completely alone, or as if loneliness had taken me hostage.  If this has happened to you, the first thing I want you to know is you are not alone.  Others are out there, unseen.  They are in your church, neighborhood, and circle of friends.  Some don't yet know the truth, many are still in hiding.  That feeling of being isolated in the darkness, though powerful, is based on a lie.  At his moment there may be no one in the flesh you feel you can talk to, but Jesus stands ready to listen.

 

Over the past few years I've heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband's secret sexual lives.  This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout.  It's like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out.  The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form.  Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up.  Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by.



Some would say the above descriptions are overstated.  You may have family or friends who say that you're overreacting.  After all, looking at pornography is "harmless" adult entertainment.  Fantasy doesn't harm anyone.  Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial.  Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation.  This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call "the world of me"

 

I've experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed.  I've seen over and over the same pain in others, those who have been there truly understand it.  But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.



Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels.  Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch.  More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness.  One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered.  Often, they're caught-a bill, note,or Web site gives them away-which leads to a partial confession.  Even husbands who desire to come clean leave out critical information in the face of fear.  Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.



The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information.  But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all.  Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin.  Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned.  Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the enemy can tighten at the opportune moment.  Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife's pain and making blackout complete.

 

While confession-what and how much to disclose-will be addressed more later, for now I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband.  Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase.  The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.

 

The potential for positive change started in those moments when the darkness shut out any light.  Growth wasn't recognizable at first, but the loss of trust, security, innocence, and so many hopes brought me face-to-face with my need for God.  A false foundation of security and comfort had kept me at arm's length from God.  I'd placed my trust in my husband and on my own resources.

 





At times, listening for God's voice took a conscious force of my will.  I had to keep making that decision for faith and total dependence on God.  I kept wanting answers: Why is this happening to me?  When will this pain go away?  Will I ever see light at the end of this tunnel?  Letting go of my desire for control and my need for answers was excruciating.  This complete reliance on God was a new place for me.

 

I'd kept so much of my life under my control-deciding what committee I'd sit on, what personal ministry I'd pursue, which organization I'd contribute to, what cause I'd volunteer for.  God was only necessary for Sundays and those really big life decisions. The day-to-day operation had been mine.

 

Then all of those faulty supports crumbled.  The severity of the situation helped me realize that this crisis was too big to carry on my own.  I needed a God-sized hand to reach down and give me support.  Letting go of my death grip over my own security and reaching out instead to God, allowing Him to do His work, was my only viable option.



 

 



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WEEK #2 BLACKOUT PT. 2





An Affair Of The Mind

by

Laurie Hall

(Focus On The Family)

WEEK #31 PUSHING PAST THE PAIN

Going through the process of healing is similar to what a woman goes through in labor.  I've attended many births, and one thing I've noticed is that when a woman is ready to deliver, she often pushes up to the point at which she feels pain and then she stops.  It just hurts too much to go on.  The pain is real, but stopping keeps the baby from coming.

 

I think a woman in a marriage that's been damaged by pornography tends to do the same thing.  The first pain she encounters is the pain of having to accept what's happening.  It's easy for her to stop at that point and go into denial.

   

The second pain she encounters is the pain of being misunderstood and judged, and it's easy for her to stop and become hard and defensive.

 

The third pain she encounters is the pain of working through to forgiveness.  She can stay here and become bitter-it hurts too much to go on.  Stretching our hearts enough to come to terms with the betrayal can be excruciating.  But stopping the work keeps the healing from coming.





In recent months, the children had been expressing their pain, and though Jack had been sexually sober for almost three years, he hadn't come to terms with what had happened in our home.  He couldn't understand or feel what the children were going through.  He was still telling himself, "What I did was personal.  It didn't have any effect on anyone else."  He spent a lot of time feeling sorry for himself that anyone would be upset with him.

While it was my great hope and prayer that my marriage would survive my husband's sexual addiction, I knew that the only way that could happen is for my husband to choose to be faithful to his marriage vows. That was something I had no control over.  While I could choose to love and forgive, it had to be his choice to heal and love.  In the nine years after things came out the closet, he would make good choices and then relapse.  Finally, he was relapsing more and more, continuing to choose the addiction over the marriage.  There was no remorse-only more lies and ongoing infidelity.



After 29 years of struggle, there came a point when I knew for a certainty that it was no longer physically, spiritually, or emotionally safe for me to remain with my husband.  And so I fled.  Though I knew I had biblical grounds for divorce, I had done everything I could to save the marriage.  Finally it became unmistakably clear that my husband simply wasn't willing. 

 

While I have shed many tears that leaving was necessary, I have no doubts that it was the right decision.  Marriage is a covenant based on mutual faithfulness and mutual trust.  If your spouse is continually cheating on you, you don't have a marriage, you have a sick arrangement. One partner cannot hold a marriage together if the other is bent on destruction.  While I have compassion for my husband's struggle with his addiction, I also have compassion for myself and the dangers his addiction exposed me to.  I knew I could not possible give any more than I had already given without ending up very sick myself-or dead.  Of course I wish it had turned out differently.



 

Does the fact that my marriage ended due to my husband's addiction mean there is no hope that other marriages might be saved? NO.  I have worked with thousands of people whose lives have been affected by pornography.  I can tell you that some of these marriages make it and actually get better.  In every case that was because the addict chose to heal.  But I have never seen one make it where the addiction continued.  I have seen some people stay in sick relationships and get increasingly sick themselves.  I have seen some addicts turn their lives around and still lose their marriages because trust had been so destroyed before they hit bottom.  Once trust is destroyed, it's hard to rebuild it.  I've also seen addicts turn their lives around before it was too late, and wives start to glow again, and children start to flourish.

So, is there hope? YES.  There is hope no matter what because hope is about knowing you can sail your ship through the storm and arrive safely on the other side, even if you must dock in a different harbor than the one you originally set sail for.  So, if the frog you're kissing decides to turn into a prince and you live happily ever after-how great is that!  If he decides to stay a frog-you are still a princess and you can choose life for yourself and your children.







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WEEK #30  CLEARING OUT THE RUBBLE TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE JOY



If all must be right with the world before I may have a fling
with joy, I shall be somber forever.
Lewis Smedes

Forgiveness is a long process of emptying ourselves of the anger, hate, sorrow, disappointment, and fear associated with our grief.  Sometimes it feels like a never-ending ride on a merry-go-round of pain.  We go down as we feel anguish.  As we come to grips with the loss, we go up.  As we round a familiar bend, we congratulate ourselves for moving ahead.  Then, out of nowhere, we're lassoed by an unexpected grief, and before we know it, we're flat on our backs in despair.

 

At such times, it is common to feel bewildered that the pain still has enough strength to overwhelm us.  It is also common to feel a bit disappointed in ourselves-we were hoping to be further along in our recovery.  It is best to be gentle with ourselves at these times.





Grieving takes a long time.  And greater the loss, the longer it takes us to empty ourselves of the pain.  Eventually, the merry-go-round slows down a bit.  There is more time between the ups and downs.  We don't get quite so dizzy.  We enjoy the ride more.  We are feeling better, but there is something missing.



As I began to work through my own process of forgiveness, I found that the churning in my gut had stopped.  I found that the heaviness of the grief became more bearable and the hot burning of the shame began to cool.  But instead of the bubbling up of joy that I expected, I felt nothing but flatness.  It was if the life had been sucked out of me and my soul had imploded on itself.  And I didn't know what to do about it.

 

There are two parts of forgiveness.  The first part is about letting go of the loss.  The second part is about learning to fill up the void the loss created.  Once we have moved past the outrage, we start to feel the emptiness.  Nothing will replace the loss-it's gone forever.  And that's the problem, because now we are barren.



We've been cleaned out.  It's as if someone came into our home and removed every stick of furniture and every piece of clothing and then cleaned out the cupboards and refrigerator, too.  We can forgive them all day long, but we still have nothing to wear, no place to sit or sleep, and nothing to eat.



I began to think about how even if I had retained my right to revenge, no one could ever pay me back for what I'd lost.  Then I told the Lord that all these things belonged to Him.  They never had belonged to me anyway.  They were all just possible gifts.  It seemed like a travesty to return the boxes empty, but empty was all I had to give.  Even so, some of the things that left the greatest holes in my heart are still empty boxes on the altar.  Sometimes, when I see them there, the sacrifices seem to rise up with a life of their own and try to run off.  If I don't put them back quickly, my heart loses its peace and my spirit loses its gratitude. 

MAKING ROOM FOR THE JOY

When we find ways to cherish ourselves in the midst of the pain, we make room for joy.  We look for the gifts amid the disappointments; we find the laughter amid the tears.  I was slow to catch on to this, but I'm getting quite good at it now.  And I get a lot of practice, because healing from an addiction to pornography is painfully slow.  It's one-and-a-half steps forward and one step back.  When the inevitable step backward comes and things seem to be out of control, I ask myself, "What can I do to cherish myself?"

 

In deciding what to do, I have a few criteria.  It has to be something that is edifying-self-destructive behavior such as uncontrolled eating, spending more money than I can afford, or relying on mood-altering substances is not allowed.  It also has to be something I can do by myself for myself.  If I am asking someone else to be responsible for comforting me, I am placing an unbearable burden on him or her.  This doesn't mean I can't call a friend.  It is a wonderful thing to have friends comfort you, but no one is responsible for my happiness.  Happiness is a gift I give myself.  Finally, it needs to be something I can do right away with a minimum of fuss and fanfare.

Here are some of my favorite things.

I sip a cup of tea on the porch swing.

I take a bubble bath by candlelight.

I go for a massage.

I talk with a friend.

I blow bubbles.

I take myself out to lunch.

I put on one of my favorite tapes and sing my heart out..

I wrap myself in a blanket, climb to the top of a hill, and watch the stars fall.

I watch one of my favorite British comedies.



On days when the sadness is overwhelming, I cry as much as I need to and then, because I've found that laughter really is the best medicine, I pull out my Far Side collection and laugh until tears of joy begin to fall.



When things get really crazy, instead of staying and toughing it out like I used to, I have healing places I go so I can regroup.  One place is a quiet valley just down the road.  I go there frequently.  My favorite place is a beautiful lake that takes a little over an hour to get to.  I save it for the times when I really need healing.



And I have a special friend.  His name is Woopy.  He's kind of a surprise to me.  I never thought I'd have a teddy bear at age 44; I certainly never had one as a child.  But there he was, sitting on the shelf in the gift shop with a sign under him that said, "Hold Me."  I laughed and picked him up, thinking my girlfriend and I could have a good chuckle.  But the joke was on me.  As soon as I picked him up, his arms wrapped around my neck and his legs wrapped around my chest.  And I started sobbing, right there in the gift shop.  "I have to have this bear,"  I said, leaving a hastily scribbled check with the cashier.

Woopy and I have been together ever since.  I don't know if he holds me or I hold him.  Maybe we just hold each other.  But he is there when I need to cry, and I find him so comforting.



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NEXT WEEK #31

PUSHING PAST THE PAIN  

 

WEEK #29  FORGIVING IS GRIEVING THE LOSS

Forgiving Is Not Tidy

Some people want forgiveness to be surgical, as if you could go in and neatly excise the pain and then quickly sew up the wound.  But if your forgiveness is surgical, it will also be sterile.  The sterilizing process kills every living thing-the good and the bad.  If you forgive surgically, you render the marriage barren.  If your forgiveness is sterile, you make impotent the passion behind your love.

 

Forgiveness is a great gushing wound with raw, suppurating edges of ragged pain.  It has to be that way to get past the first stage of grief, which is denial.  In denial, we are numb to the pain we have experienced.  Although our heads may tell us a trauma has occurred, the feelings of that trauma have not registered in our souls, so we are numb.  "It's not hot, and I'm not here," we tell ourselves.  Leprosy is a disease of numbness.  Because the leper cannot feel, he is unaware that he is exposing his body to peril.  As a consequence, the leper is continually traumatizing himself.





God compares sin to leprosy.  The danger in sin is that we become numb to the trauma that is occurring in our souls.  In addition to losing our ability to know that we're being hurt, when we're "past feeling" we can even open ourselves to the possibility of becoming involved in sexual sin of our own.  (Eph. 4:19)

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Denial produces numbness; getting past denial is a lot like waking up a limb that has become numb through frostbite.  When your limb is experiencing frostbite, you are unaware of the damage that is occurring because you simply cannot feel it.  But if you are going to save the limb, you have to restore circulation, and when the blood begins to breathe life into the dying limb, the first feeling you experience is pain-excruciating, gut-wrenching pain.  The degree of pain you feel as your emotional numbness wears off is directly proportional to the length of time you have stuffed that pain.  Do not be afraid of the pain-it is a sign that the blood of life is stirring in your soul.

 

Waking Up Means You Put On Your Mourning Clothes

Mourning is coming to terms with a loss by experiencing the full range of emotions associated with it.  Grieving over the losses pornography has brought into your home is much like peeling an  onion:  You do it one layer at a time and you cry a lot. You may cry until your eyes swell shut and your bones ache.  You will think you are doing okay one day, only to be completely devastated the next.



 

It's like having your house burn down.  You know the major losses right away-the clothes, the refrigerator, the stove, your bed.  But in the days and weeks to come, you suddenly remember that scrapbook filled with love letters or the memento from your grandmother.  These are the things that can't be replaced.  These losses are the most devastating.



Similarly, when your marriage has been devastated by porn, you know your immediate losses-the sanctity of your marriage bed, the ability to trust, the blow to your pride.  But then you see a father reading to his children or a couple looking at each other with quiet enjoyment, or you watch a family plan a happy holiday, and the sudden recognition that you have lost more than you realized, makes you catch a ragged breath of pain.

 

Waking Up Means You Learn When To Get angry and How Angry To Get

The thought that it is okay to be angry may be new and frightening to you.  Perhaps you learned it wasn't "nice" to be angry.  Perhaps you have always told yourself you must pretend that "it doesn't really matter."  If so, you may be finding that your relationship lacks honesty and true intimacy.  Proper expression of anger opens the door for true intimacy.  It helps us to be honest with ourselves and with each other about the depth of our pain.



Be careful, however, that when you express your anger, you direct it toward the destructive behavior.  Meekness is strength under control.  You have to remember that your issue is with the choices you husband made.  It is all right to tell him that he's made bad choices, but raising up in self-righteous indignation to tell him he is a bad person is not meekness-it's vindictiveness.  If you use your anger as an excuse to destroy your husband, you will not be pursuing forgiveness; you will be marinating in the poison of bitterness.



When expressing anger, stay away from "you" statements such as "You make me so angry."  That kind of thinking passes the responsibility for the anger to the other person.  Instead, use "I" statements to show ownership of your anger-for example. "I feel angry when you do that." (be explicit about what "that" is).  You can't let go of what you don't own.

 

Meekness isn't for cowards.  In meekness, we know what is a big deal and what isn't.  When something isn't a big deal, the meek have the maturity to overlook offenses.  When something is a big deal, the meek feel the full rage of God toward the sin while simultaneously experiencing God's heart of reconciliation toward the sinner.  Meekness is always a choice, never a compulsion; and its motivation is always justice and mercy, not fear and guilt.





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Next Week #30 Clearing Out the Rubble to Make Room for the Joy



WEEK #28  HELP! I'VE BEEN ROBBED



Forgiveness Is the Key

Jesus is our model for  how to forgive.  He forgave perfectly-He forgave the way the Father forgives.  Forgiveness is tough.  It is a violent wrench of body, soul, and spirit.  Considering the possibility of forgiveness is excruciating, but the real agony doesn't begin until you start feeling what this horror show has cost you.  That's when you begin to feel false accusations burning you alive; that's when you begin to feel the cruel spikes of treachery piercing through your strength as they are pounded in by repeated betrayal; that's when you feel your heart bursting into a million pieces of shattered dreams.



 

Some people get confused about this.  They think the pain should end as soon as you've agreed to forgive.  Forgiveness is not a cheap trinket that we put on as a spiritual decoration.  Forgiveness costs, and it costs plenty.  It cost Jesus everything He had; and should you choose to forgive your husband, it will cost you everything you have, too.

Forgiveness is lonely.



Although Jesus asked His friends for support, they didn't really understand what He was going through, so no one was able to be a real comfort to Him.  He struggled alone, on His face, before His Father.  That's the way it is when we're struggling to be forgivers.  No one really understands the depth of our pain.  Not our best friend.  Not our pastor.  Not our mother.  And certainly not the one who wounded us.  We feel lonely, cut off from the comfort we so desperately long for.

 

There are some people who demand that we become forgivers.  They quote Scripture to us.  They work on our feelings of guilt and worthlessness by telling us that only the hardness of our own hearts keeps us from letting go of the debt that's been accumulated against us.

  

That's an outrage.  God did not require Jesus to forgive us.  It was something Jesus freely chose to do because He considered the agony of being separated from us more ferocious than the agony of dying on the cross.  Our forgiveness is a gift of His love.  Love does not obligate.  If you feel obligated to forgive, it's not forgiveness and it's certainly not love. 

 

What Forgiveness Isn't

Forgiveness Isn't Putting a Positive Spin on Things:

If a wife is going to be able to forgive her husband for his infidelities, she will have to tell herself the awful truth about what his sin has cost her.

Forgiveness Isn't Reconciliation

Forgiving your husband for the  wreckage he has made of your home through his use of pornography and the adulterous liaisons that resulted from it doesn't mean that you are required to reconcile with him.  Forgiveness opens up the possibility of reconciliation, but whether or not that reconciliation happens depends on your husband's willingness to repent for breaking his wedding vows.



 

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is letting go of the results.  One of the hardest parts of forgiveness is allowing the other person to make his own choices, even if those choices are going to destroy the marriage.  This is where forgiveness often fails because we begin to recognize how costly this whole thing will be.  Forgiveness costs us everything, because in forgiveness, we let go of the right to make things work out the way we so desperately want them to.  We accept that there may be no reconciliation because we cannot make the other person choose the behavior that will bring about the reconciliation.  In order for the marriage to be reconciled, your husband must understand that he has wronged the marriage, himself, God, and you.  You cannot force your husband to come to this understanding.  That is a choice he has to make.



  



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Next Week #29 Forgiving Is Grieving the Loss







WEEK #27  OUT OF THE OVEN INTO THE FRYING PAN

When we've been falsely accused, the most natural thing to do is to try and defend ourselves.  It's also one of the most counterproductive things we can do.  We open ourselves up to greater vulnerability and waste a lot of energy if we try to defend ourselves by explaining why we aren't guilty of a false accusation.



Now we're out of the oven into the frying pan.  While we're out there defending ourselves, instead of the comfort we'd hoped for, we receive further wounding.  So, we design a new "safe place" to shield our shame and nakedness.  There are a variety of ways we "defend" ourselves.



*We might adopt the part our husbands want us to play, appearing hard and seductive.
*We might act as if we don't care that our husbands are doing such things, telling others the abuse isn't really abuse.
*We might become overly assertive, making sure that none of our rights are trampled on again.
*We might hide behind anger, because it's a great way to cover the fear inside.
*We might become defensive, immediately denying any  wrongdoing on our part.  We know how long it took us to convince ourselves that we weren't to blame for what's going on, and we're not about to let anyone try and put the blame back on us.

I've known women who have hidden behind laughter, chuckling in situations where the appropriate response would have been tears or anger.  Sometimes we adopt several defense mechanisms, whipping them on and off as we think the situation demands.

 

I used to think that Jesus didn't feel the shame of the insults and jeers, that as He hung there, He was thinking about heaven, not caring what people said to or about Him.  But one day when I was trying to work through forgiving some false accusations, a phrase from Hebrews 12:2 came to mind: (He) endured the cross, despising the shame...(KJV)  That means He felt it-He felt it and hated it.  He didn't hate the rejecters or the shamers, but He experienced the full range of shame and rejection they were sending His way, and He despised it.  But he ignored the shame and persevered in what He knew was the right thing to do.





 

Has your heart been pierced by other people's judgments of you?  Jesus has been there before you.  He's a high priest who knows what it's like to suffer shame, rejection, and false accusation.  From His resurrected body arose a shield capable of keeping you safe enough to advance in battle.  And this is the name of His shield:

 

But here's the catch.  You can't pick up His shield until you've laid down yours by finally agreeing with God that there's nothing you can do to justify yourself.  You can't justify yourself in the eyes of others; you can't even justify yourself in your own eyes.  As long as you believe there's something you can do to prove to others that you're not the reason your husband is a sex addict, you will continue to experience condemnation when the false accusations that you are somehow to blame are hurled at you.





You can't pick up His shield until you've laid down yours by finally agreeing with God that there's nothing you can do to save your husband.  You're not responsible for his salvation-God is.  But as long as you believe you can save your husband, you will continue to experience condemnation when that false accusation is hurled at you.



 

When we lay down our shields by finally letting go of the responsibility to save ourselves and others, we can embrace with joy the truth that we are justified by grace-marvelous, free-flowing grace that comes to us apart from anything we can do.  We don't earn this grace, it is a gift.  But we cannot receive this gift until we finally acknowledge by faith that we are accepted unconditionally by the One who loves us and gave Himself for us.

 

Truly, faith is the only shield that can protect us from the flaming arrows of false accusations.  If we try to cover ourselves with anything else, we're going to go up in flames.

If you want your life to change because your tired of all the struggles, Jesus gave you a way out when He died on the cross for you.  Will your life be perfect? No. You will still have problems but He will be there walking right beside you.

 

If you would like to let God take control of your life, please pray this prayer, I promise that if you sincerely mean it your life will never be the same.







For a deeper understanding of what it means to be a child of God and where to go from here, please go to the "Is This All There Is" page. 

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Next Week #28 Help! I've Been Robbed 


WEEK #26 THOSE FLAMING ARROWS

When an old family friend heard that Jack and I were separated because he'd been involved with pornography and hookers, she sought to give me some grandmotherly advice.  "I didn't always like sex either, dear," she said patting my knee.  "But I'd pray and ask God to help me and He always would."

There it was. 
What I just knew people were thinking-Jack got involved in a sexual addiction because she is a failure in bed. Earlier, a pastor had asked Jack if I had "driven him to it" by withholding myself sexually.  This pastor and  woman couldn't imagine that "a fine Christian man" would make such choices unless he was driven to it.  They couldn't imagine that a husband would sexually abuse his wife.  They couldn't imagine that a husband would reject his wife sexually.  Later, this same woman gave me a tape on forgiveness.  She told me how God hates divorce and implied that if there was a divorce, the fault would be largely mine because I was too hardhearted to forgive.  Her implication was that if I would just forgive Jack, everything would magically be all right.

She meant to be helpful, but her helpfulness left me feeling pummeled.  She never in any way acknowledged the hurt I was feeling.  She never said, "God hates adultery and what's happened to you is wrong."  she never dealt with the fact that despite repeated "repentance," Jack had continued in his addiction.  No, I was simply counseled to "forgive" and be a better bed partner.  Every time I thought about what she'd said, it felt like a burning in my soul.

 



What You See Isn't What You Get

Once you know the truth about your situation and determine to use unchanging principles to guide your response to the nightmare pornography has brought into your home, once you clear your conscience and learn how to build your faith in God, who is able to heal you, you still have another hurdle to overcome-the giant hurdle of other people's judgments of you.  Some of these people are genuinely trying to be helpful.  Others are genuinely trying to be superior.  Either way, when you're hanging by your fingertips to the edge of the abyss of despair, gossip and cutting remarks feel like someone is stomping all over your hands.

 

Part of the difficulty people have in understanding the devastation of sexual addiction comes from a misunderstanding of what a sex addict looks like and how he behaves in public.  At least in the beginning, sex addicts are good at their public persona.  I have talked to women whose husbands had a public life as pastors, deacons, lawyers, choir members, youth workers, and other pillars in their community.  But privately these men were involved in pornography, and that involvement led them to prostitution, strip shows, homosexuality, and bestiality.  Their wives were living in a hell that few people could believe or understand.







 

We think that someone who is involved in a degenerate lifestyle would have something immediately recognizable about him, like hair growing on his teeth.  Because her husband often seems so "normal" the wife of a man with a sexual addiction will have a difficult time finding understanding from others.  They are quite sure that the problem can't be as described.  So, those passing by her suffering will make judgments.

 

She's too strong for him.  She's too weak for him.  She's too controlling. She's too passive.  She's too demanding.  She's stupid for staying in the marriage.  She's hardhearted for divorcing him.  Everyone will have a different opinion about what she should do and why she finds herself in this situation, and most of the opinions will be whispered behind her back, but not so far behind that she's out of earshot.



Most hurtful of all are the things her husband says in the privacy of their own home: "You drove me to it."  With a wife like you, who wouldn't..."  "If you would only..., I wouldn't have to ..." "You're too fat." "You're too flat."  "You're too old."  "Why can't you look like the girl in the picture?"  "If you would just dress up a little bit more.."  "If  you weren't so hung up..."



A husband will work hard at convincing his wife and others that the addiction is her fault.  This is because God designed human nature to be uncomfortable with guilt.  If we're feeling guilty about something, but we don't want to repent of having done it, the only way we can deal with the guilt is to shift the blame.



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NEXT WEEK #27 OUT OF THE OVEN INTO THE FRYING PAN



WEEK #25 THE HARD LABOR OF CHANGE

There's a reason labor is called labor.  It's hard work.  You groan and sweat, and sometimes you say, "I don't want to do this anymore."  In Galatians 4:19, Paul said waiting for someone to change is a lot like being in labor: "My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you"  The Greek word used for "labor" here is odino. It means "to be in pain."  When your waiting for someone to change, you're in pain.  You groan and sweat, and sometimes you say "I don't want to do this anymore."

 

If you've never been involved in pornography, it may be difficult for you to understand the degree of bondage addicts experience; it may also be difficult for you to understand the degree of distress a wife experiences.  Porn is more addictive than cocaine or alcohol.  Porn sends its tentacles in deep. It wraps itself around a basic physical need (sex), entwines itself in a basic emotional need (to be in control), and enmeshes itself with a basic spiritual need (for intimacy).







Yes, waiting for someone to change is hard labor.  It's a fiery trial of faith. Faith isn't the same as love.  For many years, I thought if I believed in Jack enough, if I helped him believe in himself enough, if I reached out to him time and time again with forgiveness, he would be empowered to let go of his addiction to pornography.

  

Faith isn't believing hard enough to make it happen.  Faith has also sometimes been confused with an act of our will, as if we could make something happen just by willing ourselves to believe hard enough.  Can you fix the broken place in your heart by an act of your will?  Can your husband be healed of pornography and your home and marriage restored if you just believe hard enough?  Let me save you some time on this one.  I spent many years checking this out and I can say with absolute surety, not only do you not have enough belief and will to bring about the necessary changes, you have no right to impose your will on another-even though that will might be noble and good in your own eyes.



Faith is letting go of the results.  Faith realizes that while our actions can facilitate change, our actions don't actually cause change.  When you begin to tell yourself the truth about your situation, when you determine to do what's right, and when you start taking appropriate actions, you don't effect change; rather, you open up the possibility for God to come in and effect change.  If your actions only facilitate change rather then cause it, you are not responsible for making the change happen.  You are laboring together with God, but He is the One responsible for making changes happen.  Letting that truth sink in sure took the burden off my shoulders!

 



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NEXT WEEK #26 THOSE FLAMING ARROWS









WEEK #24  UPPING THE ANTE

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Sometimes a woman whose husband is involved in pornography will find that saying, "This isn't working," isn't enough.  Sometimes a woman must walk away from danger.



A woman who loves her husband wants her name to be associated with his.  She wants to feel proud about who her husband is and the way he conducts business.  Taking her name off credit cards or filing a separate tax return to avoid enabling financial irresponsibility is an action that makes her feel separate from her husband.  She loses the share-and-share alike that is so important to the heart of a marriage.

 

A woman who loves her husband wants to spend time with him.  She wants her children to delight in their father.  Packing her bags and fleeing for a night to avoid possible violence is an action that temporarily separates her from her husband.  She loses the companionship that is so important to the essence of a marriage.



A woman who loves her husband wants to be his sexual partner.  She wants to trust him with her heart and with her children.  Requiring him to leave home so she can protect her child from sexual violation is an action that separates her from him.  She recognizes that she can no longer believe in him and accepts the loss of trust that is so important to the spirit of a marriage.



Commonality, companionship, trust-these things weren't lost by the wives' choices. But by their husbands' actions.  These basic marriage values were already lost before the women had to decide which course of action to take.  But we women are a funny lot-sometimes we think by hanging on to the appearance of a thing, we can have the reality of it.  By actually making choices that reflect the reality of the situation, and letting go of making believe everything is all right you give up trying to pretend that your marriage is working in the areas of commonality, companionship, and trust.

As a woman discovers how to "hold her peace," she learns how to be God-controlled rather than other-controlled.  Instead of reacting to someone else's values, she can act based on her own.  Instead of responding in kind, she can respond in love.  Now she can be what Paul referred to in 2 Corinthians  5:18: "a minister of reconciliation" to her husband and children, inviting them to come in from the storm.

Peace is that settled conviction in your heart that you are doing what is right.  It is that assured understanding that there is a well-fastened anchor holding your ship in the midst of the storm.  But just as the ship still bobs up and down when it's battered by the wind and the waves, a woman at peace still experiences swings of emotion.  The presence of tears doesn't mean the absence of peace.  The presence of anger doesn't mean the absence of peace.  Your anchor still holds and because it does, you can experience the emotions in total safety.



 

Maybe you need to grieve for a while, to drain off some of the pain and disappointment.  After you've used up a few hankies, learn to cherish yourself by doing something that's going to give you pleasure.  Take a nice walk, luxuriate in a bubble bath, drive to the lake, go star-gazing, take up painting, play the piano-above all, cultivate friendships that are affirming.



 

Remember, in the midst of the tumult and confusion, your anchor will hold.  You are doing what's right. You are safe, so don't be afraid.

 

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NEX WEEK #25 THE HARD LABOR OF CHANGE







WEEK #23  KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

Knowing when to fold 'em means you know when to say, "This isn't working."  Knowing when to fold 'em means you decide to stop doing things the same old way because that way is bringing shame and judgment into your life.  A porn addict's wife is intimately familiar with shame and judgment.  Though you can't control the shame your husband generates, you can control the shame you allow him to transfer to you.



There is a close connection between the use of pornography and poor financial planning.  Perhaps this is a pattern in your home.  You go from financial crisis to financial crisis.  Bills don't get paid; creditors are calling.  You're ashamed to go into the store, wondering if the register is going to beep when your credit card is scanned.



You restrained yourself from jumping in immediately with your own solutions.  You've given your husband plenty of time and opportunity to get help.  You've been supportive; you've tried not to blame.  You've cut back your personal spending.  But it's not getting any better.  At some point, it becomes apparent that although your husband may be talking about wanting to do what is right with your money, he is making no move toward doing it.  This is the time to say, "This is not working" and take godly action of your own.  When you take godly action, you use your feet to walk away from shame toward peace.

 

What Is the Right Thing to Do?

How do you determine what godly action is?  Godly action is doing what's right.  In any situation where you see a pattern of craziness in your life, ask yourself, "What is the right thing to do?"  Godly action is following the counsel of Proverbs 22:3 and Proverbs 27:12: "A prudent man sees evil and hides himself."  Ask God to show you what the evil is and how to prudently hide yourself from it.

 

Taking prudent action is how we wives adapt, not by reasoning, but by taking a sighting and then doing the prudent thing.  Perhaps we have to pay our own bills, file a separate tax return, or take our names off joint charge accounts if money isn't being handled wisely.  This is not being controlling.  This is being responsible for your own issues.

 

Think of it as laser surgery.  You go in and, after careful consideration, slice off only the things that are directly impacting you.  You deal only with your responsibility for those things.  You don't touch the rest of the situation.  You treat your husband with honor when you recognize that he's grown up enough to experience the natural consequences of his choices.



 

One more thought.  When you figure out what you think is the right thing for this situation at this time, and you begin to act on that plan, you may still be filled with doubts about whether you're doing the right thing.  The more you love, the more you care about the outcome, the greater will be your doubts.  Proceed anyway.  After you take action, the peace will come.

 



The Lord said He'd rather we be hot or cold than lukewarm.  Lukewarm people are afraid to move in either direction for fear of being wrong.  So, look at it this way.  If you do the wrong thing, you're cold.  If you do the right thing, you're hot.  Either way, it's better than doing nothing out of fear of doing the wrong thing.



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NEXT WEEK #24  UPPING THE ANTE

WEEK #22  PLAYING THE HAND DEALT TO YOU

As we stop, look, and listen, we notice that there are patterns to the craziness of our lives.  Once our patterns become apparent, we have to decide to play from the hand life has dealt us rather than the fairy-tale hand we wanted.  This means we respond by adapting ourselves to the truth of our situation. And just like any good card player, if we're going to win the game, we have to know when to hold 'em, when to fold'em, when to walk away and when to run.



 Know When to Hold 'Em

In the beginning, you'll have to hold "em a lot.  That means you'll stop talking.  You'll stop saying things like, "We need to sit down and figure out a budget" and "You promised you weren't going to take out another charge card."

If disciplining the children is causing friction, you'll stop saying, "But you told me she couldn't go out, and then when she went behind my back and asked you after I'd already told her no, you told her she could" and "Why are you jumping on him?  You didn't tell him what you wanted him to do and then you got all mad because he didn't do it."

If you know your husband is using pornography, you'll stop saying things like, "Why do you buy those trashy magazines anyway?"  and "You promised you wouldn't bring them home."

This, of course, will be hard.  In the beginning, your tongue will have grooves in it where your teeth have had to come to a skid stop. But stop talking you must.  For three reasons.

 

First, you have to stop talking so you can quietly observe the patterns of behavior in your marriage.  You want to see what happens when you don't interfere at all.  You want to know what actions he's generating, and the only way you can do that is to refuse to muddy the waters by generating any of your own.





Second, you have to stop talking because your husband has learned that he can use talk as a way to manipulate you.  He has learned that if he says he didn't really say that, or if he terrifies you with abusive language, he'll confuse you enough to stop the discussion.  He has learned that if he says, "You know, you're right," that you will think that you are finally making headway and you'll calm down so that he can go on and do just as he's always done.



Talk is an effective refuge for those who refuse to change.  You want to show goodwill, so you listen eagerly to all he says.  You want to believe the best, so you take him at his word.  But his words mean nothing.  They are a tool he uses to distract you from the real issues.



Remember, he's been steeped in a world where words are not the outward symbol of an inward commitment to action-they're just a tool to get what he wants.  He's also been steeped in a world where the woman never means what she says.  So what if she says, "Stop! That hurts!"  Porn teaches him that what she really means is,  "If you keep doing it long enough, I'm going to love it."

  

Third, you have to stop talking because it's not working and besides, it's making you weird.  The decibel level of the voice of frustration will continually shatter the peace inside you.  So, cup your hands around that fragile calm and hold your peace.

 

 



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Next Week #23 Know When to Fold "Em

WEEK #21 FINDING PEACE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM

You'll never have the healing your heart cries for until you've walked through what it's going to take to get you there.
Rev. Charlie Guest

"The best way out is always through."  It's so true.  Even though we're tempted to go over, under, or around painful circumstances, the best way out of a situation is always through.  I've thought a lot about that as I've struggled with Jack's addiction to pornography.  I could go over his addiction by pretending that it didn't matter.  Or, I could go under by joining Jack in his addiction.  Many women have.  Desperate to salvage their marriages, they join the swinging scene-sharing their beds with other men and women, taking drugs to numb the shame of it, or having an affair to get even.  Women who decide to lick 'em by joining 'em go under themselves.



Then, there was always the temptation to go around.  I could take a detour in my life plan and divorce Jack.  It would be simple.  I'd just abort my assignment as a wife, declaring it a mission impossible, wipe my hands. and go on.

None of these seemed like good options to me because they all required me to abandon something precious to me.  If I went "over" the addiction by abandoning the truth about it, I would have had to pretend that breaking our marriage covenant was no big deal.  Denying the truth because it's too painful to bear is a form of insanity.

 

If I went "under"  the addiction by joining in, I would have abandoned myself and all I held dear.  If I went "around"  the addiction by divorcing Jack immediately, I would have been abandoning my marriage vows.  I knew I had biblical grounds for divorce and I realized that if Jack refused to seek healing, it would ultimately be necessary.  But my heart was crying to go a different way.

Yes, the going on the road called The Way Through is rough and tough:  boulders of hatred to climb over, rivers of tears to ford, fallen branches of self-pity to trip on, an abyss of rejection to carefully skirt around-and always, always, poisonous serpents of gossip hiding in the underbrush, waiting for a tasty bite of flesh.  It's enough to make anyone turn and run.

 

When a woman feels powerless, fear is the nearest emotion in her heart.  It is impossible to be peaceful when fear is gripping your soul, but peace is the thing you long for most.  The message of the gospel speaks life to a woman in this situation  We are promised that God wants to give us peace in increasing abundance.  We are told that peace is freedom from fears, agitating passions, and moral conflicts.  (1Peter 1:2b)

As a  woman learns who she is in Christ and who He is in her, she is able to let go of the spirit of fear that has consumed her because she finds security in her relationship with God, rather than in her relationship with her husband.  Second Timothy 1:7 tells us that security based on our relationship with God has a powerful impact on our emotional state: "For God did not give us a spirit of fear... but of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind."

   

When we cease the endless striving and rest in God's unconditional love, we are now able to reach out to others in love.  This is a true love, not a cringing fearful love that does unto others to try and control what they do unto us.  The woman who embraces this understanding will respect her boundaries and the boundaries of others.  Knowing where the boundaries are allows her to give out of a sense of security.  She knows she will not give away something she should keep for herself.  She also knows where to draw the line in the way others treat her.

 

As a woman dwells on what it means for her to have power because she has been reconciled with God, she learns how to "hold her peace."  I used to think this meant biting my tongue and holding back my raging feelings.  Then, one day, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed by something Jack had done and straining at the bit to react to it, the Lord said to me, Is it worth losing your peace over?   Suddenly, I got this picture of a beautiful plant in the midst of a raging storm.  The only way I could protect the fragile thing from the gale-force winds was to cup my hands gently around it.  I knew then that holding my peace wasn't biting back the storm; it was cherishing the fragile calm by remembering who I am by listening to my conscience, and whose I am by making choices based on what's right and not what's urgent.  Why should I let that go to become part of the storm?

  



 

 

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NEXT WEEK #22  PLAYING THE HAND DEALT TO YOU



WEEK #20  UH-OH TIME

My tremendous vulnerability was brought sharply home to me when I observed several relationships in which love was both given and received.  It stung me as I realized afresh that my desperate, long-buried yearnings weren't unrealistic.  It was possible  to love someone and have him love and cherish you back.  People were doing it.  People I knew were feeling the joy of it.



 

Have you ever walked by a restaurant around mealtime and had the aroma knock you off your feet?  Did your stomach suddenly growl and say "Hey, I've gotta have some of that"?  Well, that's what happened to me-only in a different dimension.  I wasn't just hungry, I was starving.  Folks who are starving have gone so long without food that they've lost their sense of hunger.  That had happened to me.  I'd gone so long without love that I'd lost my sense of needing it.  I thought I could go on forever giving and never receiving.  But then I walked by the homes of these loving relationships, and the fragrance wafting out knocked me off my feet.  Peering into the window, I saw a sumptuous banquet spread, and I didn't just feel hunger pangs, I felt gut-wrenching cramps.



 

"I've got to have some of that or I'm going to die," I told myself.  And then something happened that had never happened before.  I started thinking about someone.  I thought about him a lot-about how kind and funny he was and how much integrity he had.  Yes, he was good-looking, but what really attracted me was his character.  I'd known him for a long time.  I knew his strengths and his weaknesses.  I knew he was real and trustworthy.  He thought about life, he cared about people, he worked hard, and he lived by his principles.  His virtue made him enormously attractive to me.



 

What I wouldn't give to be loved by someone like that, I thought.  Because I  knew the thought is mother to the act, I was afraid I would do something I would regret.  So I made up a lot of rules for myself about how I wouldn't talk to this man or even get near him.  I even tried the old acting weird syndrome when he happened to get near me.  But inside, the need that drove the thoughts of him wouldn't go away.  I couldn't seem to make the thoughts stop by an act of my will.  And I tried-I really tried.  Something way down in my soul was screaming, "Pay attention!  We're dying down here."

I never realized before how vulnerable a woman in this situation is.  Lost, lonely, and rejected, women whose husbands have been committing adultery desperately need to feel loved and attractive.  For the first time, I was terrified that I wouldn't have the inner strength to make the right choices. I tried the old denial thing: If I don't think about the fact that I'm thinking about this, then I'm not really thinking about it.  But by then, I had enough integrity to realize the shabbiness of that approach.

Then I tried the old guilt and shame approach: You're scum! How can you do this? And you call your self a Christian! But by then, I'd learned that guilt and shame beat you so far into the ground that you couldn't move if your life depended on it.  I'd learned enough about God to know that He wasn't going to condemn me for being honest with Him.  I knew He felt tenderly toward me and that He wanted me to trust Him.  I'd learned that I could be naked before Him and not be ashamed.



 

I still had the tricky part to deal with:  Did I really want to give this fantasy up?  After a lot of internal struggle, I realized I could no longer deny my needs, but if I had my needs met and lost myself in the process, I'd create a whole new set of problems and needs for myself.  So, I prayed: "It's me, God. And I can't believe it, but I'm thinking about adultery.  I'm so ashamed and I feel so ugly inside."  As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the raging thoughts lost some of their power over me.



 

"That feels better, but here's the thing.  I've got this great big hole inside, and it's creating a terrific vacuum.  If you don't plug it, I'm going to suck something in I don't want to be there.  Besides, I'm sick of pretending I'm above needing.  I want to be able to lay my head down at night on the chest of someone I can trust.  I want to feel all the way down to my toes that I'm loved.  I want someone to cherish me, not abuse me.  I want a partner, not a persecutor.  I'm just going to die if I don't get some of this.

The reply was stunning.  I'm glad you finally realize that you're just flesh and blood, not some paragon of virtue who's so spiritual she's above human need.



Suddenly, I realized I was holding myself to a higher standard than God did.  There is nothing wrong with needing.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved by someone who is trustworthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be cherished and protected.  There is no sin in wanting a true companion for life's journey.  Denying the need to be in a relationship in which love is both given and received is not a mark of spirituality, it is a symptom of the sickness of self-righteousness.  Embracing that need was a sign of health in me.  "Thank you, Lord," I breathed.  "I see now that there's nothing wrong with me.  I'm getting healthier.  I'm stopping the sickness of pretending I'm self-sufficient.  It's not good for me to be alone.  It's lunacy to pretend my marriage is all you want it to be."  

 

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NEXT WEEK #21 FINDING PEACE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM

WEEK #19  FEELINGS NOTHING MORE THEN FEELINGS

Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.  That word "heart" means the innermost part of our being, the place where our motivations and feelings arise.  Feelings are important to God.  Feelings are part of being made in the image of God, especially the feelings a husband has for his wife and a wife for her husband, because God says He created the marriage relationship to be a picture of our relationship with Him.

 

There's a higher authority than our feelings.  Our feelings are neither right nor wrong, however, the choices we make about how we will express our feelings are either right or wrong.  Now, here's the tricky part.  Although she will be sorely tempted to react to her husband's abandonment of his vows by proving herself in some way, a wise wife will refuse Satan's bait and act based on what she knows is right.  She will own her feelings, but she will make her choices based on God's principles.

Principles are things that are always right, true, and just.  Principles don't change with the situation; they're eternal.  Principles are guardrails on the highway of life that keep us from going off the edge and crashing onto the rocky shoals below.  God gave us 10 eternal principles to govern our lives and keep us safely on life's highway.  Theologians call them the Ten Commandments.  Four of them discuss our relationship with God and six discuss our relationship with each other.  In the New Testament, Jesus boiled these 10 principles down to two:  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments, hang all the law and the prophets"  (Matthew 22:37-49)



 

Living by principles, rather than feelings, is the only way a woman can guard her heart and keep herself from plummeting into the abyss of her needs while the Lord works to show her what the truth of her marriage situation is.  Living by principles, rather than feelings, is the only way a woman can keep herself from being controlled by external circumstances and honestly answer the question" What do I need to do so I don't destroy myself on the shoals of a rocky marriage?"

  

If we try to prove to ourselves and others that we are attractive enough to hold a man by going out and finding someone else, we'll end up denying who we really are. If we try to prove to the world that we really aren't the failures everyone thinks we are by living up to other people's expectations, we'll end up denying who we really are.  If we try to get rid of that feeling of failure and shame by winning other people's approval, we'll end up denying who we really are.  No one can validate who you are, not even you.  To grant someone the power to validate your worth is to put them in the position of God.  If they say we're worth something, then we are.  If they reject us, then we're less then worthless.  These are all lies.

  

Your worth depends on what God says about you, not what others say about you, or even what you say about yourself.  And here's what God says: "Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame; for you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not remember the the reproach of your widowhood any more (the word for widowhood means "forsaken" or "discarded," just as the wife of a porn addict has been forsaken and discarded for others.  For your maker is your husband the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth, He is called.  For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit and heartsore, even a wife wooed and won in youth, when she is later refused and scorned, says your God.  For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you" (Isaiah 54:4-6,10)





We've all at one time or another swallowed that bait to prove ourselves and ended up gutted and filleted.  As a woman learns to rest in who God says she is, she finds peace and true security.  She can now make the choice to act based on her principles, rather than react based on her needs.  But first she has to tell herself the truth about what those needs are.

 

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Next Week #20  Uh-Oh Time

WEEK #18  GET REAL

Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues.
Proverbs 4:23

Matthew 4:1-11 tells the story of Jesus being tempted in the wilderness.  The devil came to Jesus after He had fasted for 40 days-when He was very hungry, even starving to death.  Food wasn't just a good idea, it was essential.  That's when the tempter struck.  He did it cleverly, too.  First he suggested that Jesus could prove who He was by meeting His legitimate physical needs.  Then Satan asked Jesus to prove who He was by meeting His legitimate emotional needs.  Failing at that, Satan tried playing on Jesus legitimate spiritual need to have others look up to Him.



Jesus never denied His legitimate emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.  He just refused to be derailed by meeting His needs in a way that would deny who He was and whose He was.

If You Were Woman Enough...

What does this have to do with the wife of a man involved in pornography?  Plenty.  First there's a temptation to prove herself.  A woman whose husband wants to be with an imaginary woman or a hooker more than he wants to be with her feels like a failure as a woman, a lover, and a companion.

 

Second, she has legitimate physical, emotional, and spiritual needs that aren't being met.  Lust is totally self-absorbed.  Everything revolves around the needs and desires of the one lusting.  A man who is involved in pornography is incapable of looking past his own needs to see and meet the needs of his wife.  In his selfishness, he sucks out her meager reserves, leaving her nothing to meet her own needs.

 

Yet, those unmet needs aren't going to go away.  Just as Jesus body was dying for food after His 40-day fast, her body is dying for fulfilling sex, not the degrading quickie stuff her husband learned from porn.  Just as Jesus longed for the loving companionship of His Father, her soul longs to have her husband be a loving companion, not someone who's going to think of her as a plaything.  Just as Jesus deserved to have others recognize His value, she may be dying to be affirmed rather than viewed as a tool to be compared, criticized, and manipulated.



Along about now, when she's good and hungry, the temptation come.  What's the bait?  Unmet physical needs, unmet emotional needs, unmet spiritual needs.  The hook is to prove yourself-prove you're attractive, prove someone can love you, prove you're worth it-because if you don't take care of number one, who will?  You know what everyone's saying, don't you?  If you were woman enough, he wouldn't need anyone else, so why not prove it?

 

Human nature is always tempted in the same ways.  And while the hook and bait didn't work with Jesus (because He knew who He was and whose He was), they often work with a woman who's desperate to shore up her shaky self-esteem by proving to herself and others that she's "woman enough" (because she doesn't have a clue who she is and she's desperate to feel she belongs to somebody-anybody).



If you don't have a personal relationship with the God that loves you deeply and wants to be part of your life, or you think you know Him but just not sure how to have a one on one relationship with Him, please go to the  Is This All There Is page.  It will change your life. 
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NEXT WEEK #19 Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

WEEK # 17  Getting Our Brains Washed
Telling Yourself the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth

Stand therefore-hold your ground-having tightened the belt of truth around your loins...For God's holy wrath and indignation are revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who in their wickedness repress and hinder the truth and make it inoperative.  For that which is known about God is evident to them and made plain in their inner consciousness, because God Himself has shown it to them.

Ephesians 6:14, Romans 1:18-19

Truth: conformity or fact or reality.
Noah Webster



In Ephesians 6, Paul said that when we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place, we need to realize that we're engaged in a battle.  At times like this, he said, the first weapon of our warfare is the loinbelt of truth.  Historically, the loins have been viewed as the location of our physical strength and generative powers.  So, what are the loins anyway?  Externally, they are our hips.  Internally, they represent our procreative powers.

The loinbelt of truth is a crucial weapon for a woman whose husband is involved in pornography, because pornography is specifically designed to affect our procreative powers.  In fact, pornography uses our procreative powers to lure us into it clutches.  By a swivel of the hips, pornography entices men and women to abandon themselves to the mesmerizing power of sexuality.





Second, pornography attacks our procreative powers by encouraging behavior that will expose us to a wide range of sexually transmitted diseases.

Third, pornography attacks our procreative powers by promoting abortion, the ultimate assault on our procreativity.

Finally, pornography attacks our procreative powers by promoting incest.

There's a Difference Between Being in Denial

and Being in the Dark.

In Ephesians 6:1 Paul said the first way we protect ourselves from danger is by operating based on truth.  We have to make a radical departure from the old way of doing things by telling ourselves the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  But sometimes it's difficult to know what the truth is.

 

When your husband is living a cleverly concealed private life, it's a little more difficult to catch on to the truth.  You don't want to operate from a position of suspicion.  You want to act from a place of trust.  If your husband is taking advantage of that by lying to you about the choices he is making, it doesn't necessarily mean you are in denial.  It does mean that you need to find out what the truth is.





The second reason it's important to tell ourselves the truth is that any action we take must be based on truth.  Truth is the preparation for action.  It is the foundation on which all our decisions must rest.  If it's not, if our actions are based merely on what we think is true or if they're based on a total denial of the situation, we'll go off on the wrong direction and the results won't be at all what we want.

  

A man who is involved in pornography hasn't just exposed the procreative part of his loins to assault, he's screwed up his own ability to see and act on truth.  When your husband is living a lie, you cannot depend on him to verify truth for you because, as 1John 2:21b says, "No lie is of the Truth" He is not capable of telling the truth, and he does not desire that you know the truth.

 

How do you learn the truth about your situation?  Ask God to reveal it to you.  James 1:5 says, "If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God Who gives to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him."  In other words, if you can't figure out what's going on, ask God.  He'll let you in on things without making you feel like an idiot.



If God is going to let us in on things, we have to spend time with Him, both in prayer and Bible reading.  That's how we commune with Him.  Don't expect to get answers if you don't spend time with Him-there's just no shortcut to becoming wise.

 



NEXT WEEK #18 GET REAL
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WEEK #16  Learning How To Get Direction From God

So, where do we go to learn about real life?  Prayer and the Word of God are the tools that will train us how to recognize the deadness in our lives by showing what real life is all about.  God know what we need.  Outside counsel can be helpful, but it has a limitation: No one knows our whole situation.  And because our advisers' knowledge is limited to their own experiences, the advice they give us may sometimes be helpful and other times disastrous.



If we've only learned how to decorate the outside with healthier behavior but haven't been changed on the inside by having the light of liberating truth shine on our darkened understanding, we have only received a quick fix.  We are not healed.  God isn't interested in quick fixes.  He's not interested in formulas or cliches' that promise more than they can deliver.

 

The end result of quick fixes, formulas, and cliches' is often just more despair.  God is interested in healing the wounds in our spirits and redeeming the brokenness that's destroying us. 



 

This means we must go beyond merely managing our behavior by  controlling it from the outside.  We must become whole people who are controlled from the inside.  The difference between managing and being whole is learning self control-a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

You don't have to be a spiritual giant to receive God's guidance for how to live your life.  All you have to do is ask for it (pray), then go to the place where it is found (the Bible).  You also need to leave your agendas and expectations at the starting gate.  Otherwise, you won't be able to recognize the answers when they come.

Nothing can change in your life unless you have a personal relationship with the Lord.  That doesn't mean you have to be perfect and have everything right in your life.  It means your life without the Lord isn't working and you want to live your life the way He created it to be. Does that mean you won't have problems, no, it means that when you have problems He will be there walking right beside you to comfort and guide you. You need to know that He loves you so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for your sins. All He asks is that you seek Him with all of your heart and make Him the center of everything you do.  If you are serious and want your life to change say the following prayer and let Him begin to heal your heart.

 
If you have prayed this prayer with your whole heart, your life will never be the same.
Please go to the "Is This All There Is" page to help you get started on your walk with the Lord.

Next Week #17 Getting Our Brains Washed
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WEEK #15  Liar, Liar, House Afire

Deceivers are the most dangerous members of society.  They
trifle with the best affections of our nature, and violate the
most sacred obligations.
George Crabbe

When the Liar speaks, he makes it up out of  his lying nature
and fills the world with lies.
John 8:44

Most sex addicts are pathological liars.  They lie about everything, not just their sexual behavior, and they do so with straight faces.  They lie when telling the truth would save them time and money.  They lie about little things as well as big ones.  They lie to themselves about what they're doing.  They lie to their wives and families about where they're going and what they're going to do when they get there, even if there's no sexually inappropriate behavior going on.  Pornography itself is a lie, and they embrace it.



Truth is that which reveals.  Lying is that which conceals.  And lying has dangerous consequences.  Lying causes isolation.  The basis for relationship is truth.  Without truth, there can be no trust.  Without trust, there is only the appearance of intimacy.  The result is a terrifying isolation.  Lying gives Satan legal ground to enter our lives.  A person who lives a lie opens the door to spiritual oppression of himself and his family.

 

There are a few ground rules that have to be followed in the war for the souls of your husband and children.

1.  Figure Out Which Hills You're Willing to Die On

War takes a lot of energy.  When your husband is addicted to pornography, you've got major dysfunction in your life.  There will be many fronts where it appears the enemy is about to overwhelm you and yours.  If you try to deal with all of them, you'll be spending your energy reacting instead of using it to act.  Besides, you don't have the strength to fight every fire.  So, you have to figure out where your energy is best spent.



  

2.  Learn That This Is a Spiritual Battle

Even if you've never looked at pornography yourself, if you are one flesh with someone who has, your spirit, soul, and body are probably also on the critical list.  Some women talk about feeling "numb" inside.  It hurts too much to feel anymore, so they just shut down.  Used up and wasted, they wander about in an emotional daze.  Life has been sucked right out of them.  I was like that.  I had to be called forth from the dead.  I had to be made whole again.  In order to recover wholeness, I had to start rebuilding from the inside out.  I had to learn how to stand on what I knew was true, no matter what anyone else said.  I had to learn how to listen to my conscience, even when that meant I had to pay a painful consequence.  I had to learn how to meet my needs in healthy ways so I wouldn't end up doing something self-destructive.  I had to learn how to deal with gossip and the hurtful things people said to me.  I had to learn how to listen to God and find my comfort in Him.  I had to learn how to forgive the unforgivable.

None of these was an easy lesson.  God had a lot of work to do.  Patiently and gently. If you or someone you love is being affected by pornography, I suspect you will have to learn these lessons. too.



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NEXT WEEK #16  LEARNING HOW TO GET DIRECTION FROM GOD.

WEEK #14  WHAT'S MINE IS MINE
Please be advised that, of necessity,
this contains graphic material

Sex is about invitation, not exclusion.  Sex is about taking down the barriers and welcoming our cherished one in to know us.  But a man who is enslaved by masturbation doesn't know how to share his innermost being with anyone. He wants it all for himself. Thus, the very act that's supposed to be about giving and sharing with the object of our affections becomes a way to adore the self.

 

Adoring ourselves is different from loving and accepting ourselves.  When we love and accept ourselves, we see ourselves as having value.  We recognize that our opinions and feelings are as important as the opinions and feelings of others.  We recognize that we have gifts and abilities that can make a positive difference in the world.  We also recognize our limitations and we are gentle with ourselves about what we can't do.



In self-adoration, we become gods in our own eyes.  We have no sense of our limitations.  We are unbridled in our determination to affect our world.  We think our values, opinions and needs are far more important than anyone else's.  In fact, we might not even see that anyone else has the right to values, opinions, and needs.  We become objects of our own worship and live in a world according to us.

 

Adoration of the self is narcissism.  Just as a small infant wants the world to revolve around him, so a narcissist wants those around him to bow to his every command.  After all, he's in love with a wonderful guy-himself!

Masturbation Says "I Belong Only to Me"

Masturbation doesn't know the verb "to give."  The man who is enslaved to masturbation won't give his wife her sexual rights.  Yet, Scripture teaches that when we marry, we give up the right to own ourselves.  When a man masturbates, he repossesses the power of his own body, defrauding his wife of what is rightfully hers.

For some men, masturbation becomes the preferred way to "have sex."  So, instead of warm responsiveness, the wife finds only cold hardness.  He may even physically push her away.  Then he turns away and clings tightly to his side of the bed.  Stunned she wonders what in the world is wrong with her.  Repeated sexual rejection kills the heart of a woman.  It is a violent, painful death where the woman's heart is utterly consumed on the altar of a masturbatory fire that rages out of control.



 

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WEEK #15  LIAR, LIAR, HOUSE ON FIRE 

  

WEEK #13  LET ME ENTERTAIN ME

Masturbation physically is a self-bent thing.  Its focus is inward.  It doesn't share.  It doesn't know the verb "to give."  It is a fire that feeds itself.

Shun immorality and all sexual looseness-flee from impurity in thought, word, or deed.  Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
1Corinthians 6:18

Please be advised that, of necessity,
this chapter contains graphic material.

Pornography appeals to masturbatory tendencies.  Men become willing to trade the real human love they already have for a few self-absorbed moments with objects made of paper and ink.  They know there's emptiness in what they're doing.  They can see the lie in their eyes.  They can feel it in the nagging doubts that haunt them.

 

Yet, at every turn, men rationalize their choice to commit adultery with figures printed on glossy stock.  They are men "interacting with" and paying homage to engraved images.  They may not remember their kids' birthdays or their wedding anniversaries or whether or not they've paid the mortgage this month, but they know exactly which day the latest issue of their favorite magazine comes out and they live for the moment when they can be consumed by the images in it.  This is idolatry in its purest form.



And it's always someone else's fault.  someone else "gave" them permission to spill their strength on pretty paper dolls who'll never know them or care about the cost in enduring human relationships.  Hey, if these magazines weren't at the corner quick stop, these guys would never think about going down to the slimy part of town to pick one up.  If society says it's respectable, then it is.  If society says boys will be boys, then boys will be boys.  If the wife was just a bit warmer under the sheets, this wouldn't be necessary.  Yes, it's always someone else's responsibility that he is doing his thing with Miss September.



Self-absorption, self-deception, rationalizations, and masturbation are common behaviors for men who use pornography.  They are part of the primary nature of pornography.  Much of pornography is specifically crafted to make sure this powerful conditioner kicks in.  Researcher Harriet Koskoff wrote: "Pornography is primarily about masturbation, whether it is mental or actual."

The man who engages in masturbation hangs out a "Do Not Disturb" sign.  Masturbation is self-bent and focused inward.  Sex was created to send us outward.  The word intercourse means "communication, a connection between people.  when we choose to make it on our own, we are saying we don't want to be bothered with the hard work of communication; we're not interested in connecting with anyone but ourselves.  We are the center of our own universe.



When we are self-absorbed in our sexuality, we will be self-absorbed in every aspect of our daily lives.  The wife of a man who is enslaved to masturbation will not only be shut out of his sexuality, she will also be shut out of daily decisions and daily occurrences.  He jealously guards it all for himself.  He cannot afford to let anyone in. To do so would destroy his illusion of control.

Thus, by its very nature, masturbation closes the doors to intimacy.  When a wife approaches, she will find no handle on the door, only a quickly hung "Do Not Disturb" sign.  The message is "Sex is a solo affair.  I don't need you.  Your presence gets in the way of what I'm trying to do here.  I can make it on my own, thank you."



If sexual intercourse is the thing that makes a couple one flesh, how can a husband engage in a fantasy sexual relationship with himself and not have it affect the one flesh relationship he has with his wife?  That which is supposed to be the seal of their covenant, the sexual relationship, becomes the very thing that says to the wife, "You are unwanted."





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WEEK #14  WHAT'S MINE IS MINE


WEEK #12  THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS

If you believe that a pornographic book or film cannot affect you, then you must also say the Karl Marx's Das Kapital, the Bible, the Koran (and) advertising have no effect on their readers or viewers.

Dr. Victor B. Cline

The eye is the lamp of the body.  So, if your eye is sound, your entire body will be full of light; but if your eye is unsound,

your whole body will be full of darkness. If then, the very light in you is darkened, how dense is that darkness!

Matthew 6:22,23

Pornography is bold in its assertion that you can use others for sexual satisfaction without reaping any negative consequences.  So, it's not unusual for guys who read pornographic magazines and watch pornographic videos to go to strip clubs to "hire entertainers" to act out the things they've witnessed.  But pornography lies.  The first lie is that the viewer is having an intimate relationship with the men or women portrayed.  Playboy, in particular, is a master at creating the illusion that you know this month's centerfold.  Pictures showing her everyday life, and stories crafted to make her look like the girl next door, create a sense of "knowing" her.

Pornography is all smoke and mirrors.  There's just one problem  it appears quite real to the viewer.  It engages his imagination in a way nothing else can.  Porn warps the ability to tell what's real and what's not because there's a physical response to what the eye sees and the mind imagines. 

The physical senses are "proving" what the mind has conceived.  Not only is the mind confused about what's real, the body is confused as well.  True delusion has occurred.  Delusion has a way of trying to become reality.  The results are often chilling.  In the FBI's most ambitious attempt to crate a profile of a sex killer, they found that such men who kill -and kill again-often cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy, even when they are committing murder.

   

When a man's imagination has been turned to evil, it has serious implications for his marriage.  His imagination has trained him to be a user, and he will attempt to use his wife.  He can be very clever in the ways he manipulates her.  He may try the "sweet" approach-buying her flowers, taking her out to dinner, picking up some little thing he thinks she'll like-to manipulate her emotions so she feels she "owes" him something.  Then, at the right moment, he'll inform her that the payback is a sexual act.  If subtlety fails to work, he may use more drastic measures, such as shaming or scaring her into compliance.  The goal is to turn his wife into the type of woman he has fantasized about.

 

Fantasy has another devastating effect on a marriage.  Men who are into fantasizing will look for downtime to indulge their habit.  This makes them passive and leaves the wife and children in the lurch.  Downtime can start the moment he walks through the door at the end of the day.  He may sit rigid and silent (with or without TV on), or he may retreat to his shop or garage. The main thing he wants is to be left alone.  His wife's presence is an unwelcome interruption.  His children are an aggravating intrusion.  He's physically present, but his mind is a million miles away.  Dinner is often an especially difficult time, as he has little or nothing to add to the conversation.  In fact, he would prefer no conversation: It gets in the way of his fantasies.



Living with someone who constantly "checks out" on you to enter fantasyland can make you terribly insecure.  A man who has surrendered his imagination to the fantasy of pornography will believe he has the right to control and dominate his wife.  Trying to figure out how to live in a situation in which the head of the house is passive and "checked out" is impossible.  Men who have unbridled power, and women who either manipulate them or submit to their abuse in order to survive, create a pathological family system.  This is not the kind of family a wise woman wants to create.  A wise woman doesn't want to submit to evil and she also doesn't want to manipulate her husband.  She wants to honor him and train her children to honor him as well.  But when his behavior is this bizarre, it's difficult to know how to do it.





 

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Next Week #13 Let Me Entertain You

WEEK #11  THE POWER OF IMAGINATION

Imagination that is based on truth is tremendously powerful.  It's the way we "ruminate" on a situation, looking at it from all its various angles.  Most of the time, our imaginations aren't used for big projects.  Usually, it's the stuff that makes everyday life run better-like creating a cake to celebrate a child's birthday or figuring out how to move a big rock from the yard.  We use our imagination to create solutions to our problems.  In our mind's eye we "see" the solutions and make adjustments to them so they more accurately fit our particular needs.  The solutions and the adjustments must all be based on truth.

 

Once imagination ceases to be based on truth, it slips into fantasy.  A fantasy is a play of the mind.  It is a delusion.  Even though it will seem real to a deluded person, fantasy cannot be constructed into reality because it isn't based on truth.  Even though we may strongly determine that we WILL accomplish our fantasy, it cannot become reality because only things that are true can become real.    Your emotions pay the price for your failure to get what you so desperately want. You feel frustration, anger, extreme disappointment, and probably rage.



 

Instead of using imagination to look for ways to overcome life's difficulties, fantasy becomes a way to make selfish desires become reality by controlling others.  Instead of using imagination to make life better, imagination becomes a trap to ensnare others and force them to do what the fantasizer wants.

Using illusions and delusions, fantasy seeks to make the deluded one believe he has found truth.  Using manipulation and control, fantasy attempts to force others to behave in accordance with the deluded one's wishes.  The one given to fantasy is enthralled-his mind captivated by an unreal world from which the only escape is truth.  And truth is the last thing the fantasizer wants because it will destroy his make-believe world.

 

For the deluded one, imagination is reduced to a magic carpet that will take him wherever he wants to go but never lets him land and experience the country.  Instead of being a resource to solve problems, the imagination becomes a convenient escape from life's pressures.  To get the world off his shoulders, the fantasizer will "shoot up" in the recesses of his mind.  Thus the very power that allows us to imagine solutions to life's challenges becomes the power that we use to avoid life's pressures.  Without the ability to problem solve, we become victims, helpless to deal with what life throws our way.

 

Victimization is a downward spiral.  The more powerless you feel, the more likely you are to "check out" by fantasizing a world where you are able to obtain your heart's desires by creating people and responses that will give you a sense of mastery.  The more you fantasize, the more deluded you become.  The more deluded you become, the more powerless you are to leave your make-believe world by crafting solutions to your problems.  It's a vicious cycle, and you can't get out of it by fantasizing.  You can only get out of it by telling yourself the truth.  When the imagination is deluded, there is no truth, and where there is no truth, there can be no linking together of facts, and without that linking of facts there are no true solutions.  Powerless to find true solutions to the difficulties he faces, the fantasizer is impelled to visit over and over the imaginary world he has created in his mind.  Here all his problems go away because he can be anything he wants to be and he can make others do anything he wants them to do.

 

"Shooting Up" in the recesses of his mind.  Fantasy can be addictive.  Because fantasy packs a one-two wallop of "feel good now" and actual chemical addiction, it is an extremely difficult habit to break.  The devastation of fantasy is sometimes poorly understood by those in the helping professions. They may hint or even outright say that the wife of a man who has given himself over to fantasy is herself imagining the changes in his personality.  But even though she may find it difficult to put them into words, the changes are real.  They reflect a reshaping of her husband's mind that has a destructive impact on the marriage.



 

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NEXT WEEK #12

THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS

WEEK #10
AN AFFAIR OF THE MIND


As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7



JUST A GUY THING?

Some people think that porn is just a guy thing.  They say that it gives a guy a sexual buzz and then returns him safely to earth.  They try to tell you that porn doesn't effect a guy anyplace but below the belt.  They wonder what the big deal is and hint (or outright say) that any woman worth her estrogen wouldn't be fazed by her husband's interest in pornography. 

Others will admit that porn might not be good for a guy.  But they think that if a guy just stops looking at the porn, everything will be okay.  They seem genuinely puzzled when you try to explain that there are a multitude of stresses in the marriage.  Just like the first group, this second group naively assumes that pornography is an isolated event in an otherwise healthy life.

 

What neither group can grasp is that pornography has a multifaceted effect on a man and because of that, it has a multifaceted effect on a marriage.  In fact, pornography is like the evil weed that springs up in our pastures.  Evil weed has a beautiful purple flower, and it seems harmless enough; but let it go to seed and it slowly but surely spreads throughout a pasture, choking out the good grass.

Once evil weed is in your pasture, it's a constant battle to make sure it doesn't take over.  To get rid of evil weed, you have to dig it out, being careful to wrap up any seed pods so they don't drop on the ground and reseed the pasture.  Then you have to spread black plastic over the site to make sure any seeds that might have fallen don't get a chance to germinate.

Just like evil weed, pornography seems harmless enough at the start.  There's even a certain beauty in some of it.  But once it goes to seed, it slowly but surely spreads through out a man's life, choking out his good qualities.  Once established, there's no easy way to get rid of its pernicious effects.  Recovery takes a long time and a lot of work.  This is because of the way pornography gets its hooks into a man.  Although porn has an immediate physical effect on a man, porn isn't interested in just grabbing a guy below the belt-porn goes straight past his body right into his soul through his imagination.

 

 THE GATEWAY TO THE SOUL

Imagination is seeing with the eyes of the heart.  It is the most godlike thing we can do.  Through imagination, we are able to create something out of nothing.  We take the thoughts, hopes, and dreams of our hearts and clothe them in some form that will make them visible.  Then we pull them forth, giving birth to a house, a garden, an invention, a book, a painting, a song, or some other useful or beautiful thing that will enrich our lives.  We imagine it and then we make it happen, just as God imagined the world and then spoke it into existence.

Imagination is the gateway to the soul.  The soul is the thinking, willing, and feeling part of us.  Imagination exercises the mind, disciplines the will, and thrills the emotions.  Imagination feeds the soul by driving it to create something out of nothing.  What we imagine becomes what we do.  The writer of Proverbs new this.  He said, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

 

Because being follows imagination, the battle is always for the mind.  If your mind dwells on things that are good, pure, lovely, just and excellent, you develop a character and a personality that are good, pure, lovely, just, and excellent.  If however, your mind dwells on things that are cruel, defiled, tasteless, dishonest, and worthless, you develop a character and a personality that are cruel, defiled, tasteless, dishonest, and worthless.  In other words, you reap in your being what you sow in your imagination. 



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WEEK #11 THE POWER OF IMAGINATION


WEEK #9
CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION PT. 2



Please be advised that, of necessity, this week contains graphic material.

5.  Porn Stimulates Interest in Perversions

In 1986, Dr. C. Everett Koop, the U.S. Surgeon General, invited 22 social scientists and mental health professionals to a three-day workshop to discuss the health aspects of pornography.  They found that "prolonged" use of pornography alters the beliefs about the frequency of certain uncommon sexual practices in the general public.  In times past, we called these uncommon practices "perversions."

Perversion is a word we are reluctant to use in today's enlightened society.  We shrink at appearing judgmental.  We're reluctant to appear insensitive to the preferences of others.  So, we cringe at labeling actions perverse, preferring instead to say, "Well, it's not for me, but if it melts your butter, it's okay for you."  Let me suggest a definition for perversion that takes some of the emotion out of it.  Perversion is using something in a way it was not intended to be used.  God doesn't require you to submit to perversion.



6.  Porn Encourages Sexual Practices That Destroy the Dignity and Worth of Participants.

The U.S. Surgeon General's report also concluded that "pornography increases the acceptance of the use of coercion in sexual relationships."  Bondage is a form of sexual coercion heavily promoted in pornography.  Having power over your partner to humiliate or deny her freedom of motion is degrading.

7.  Porn Encourages Rape 

Porn not only encourages a loss of respect for women and results in lousy sexual techniques,  it also encourages rape.  In a study of 120 college-aged men and women, James Weaver, a University of Kentucky communications professor, found that even a one-time exposure to portrayals of consensual sex in ordinary R-rated movies led men to lose respect for women and to trivialize the crime of rape.  According to Weaver, the implication is those movies that women are "hypersexual, panting playthings that can't get enough, leads the male viewer to think: 'Isn't it possible that this woman over here is like that, too?  That kind of thinking is the jumping-off point for rape. 



8.  Porn Encourages Marital Violence

Pornography not only stimulates fantasies about sexual coercion, it actually encourages rape and other forms of sexual violence by perpetuating the myth that women will eventually come to enjoy pain and beg for more.  Rather than leading to great sex, in real life a man who uses coercion and violence in his sexual repertoire will destroy his relationship with his partner.  One study even showed that men who view pornography are more likely to rape if they think they won't be found out.  And who is easier to rape than a wife?  Who would believe her if she got up the nerve to tell?

9.  Soft-Core Porn Packs a Hard Wallop

We often fool ourselves about the impact of so-called soft-core pornography.  In a study conducted by James Weaver, he found that men who watched sex scenes selected from ordinary R-rated movies-especially scenes between consenting adults or sex initiated by women developed a loss of respect for women and believed women to be more sexually permissive or promiscuous than they had imagined before the viewings.  Both women and men who watched the sex scenes from the movies favored lighter penalties against a convicted rapist. 

Pornography does not turn husbands into a great lover. Far from being the sexual liberator it purports to be, pornography enslaves participants in sexual activities that destroy their personhood.  Far from being the ticket to endless rounds of sexual highs, pornography introduces a strain into relationships that squashes sexual enjoyment.



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Week #10 An Affair Of The Mind


WEEK #8
CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION


Nonviolent pornography focuses almost exclusively on chance encounters between strangers, who suddenly arouse themselves to heavy immediate sex, but without kindness, and without enduring emotional relationships.

And thus let the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge and punish all guilty of sexual vice and adultery.
Hebrews 13:4b

Please be advised that, of necessity, this week contains graphic material.

1.Pornography Promotes Promiscuity, the Death Knell of Great Sex.

Pornography portrays an endless round of thrilling sexual escapades with an endless bevy of breathless, hot-blooded babes.  And the not-so-subtle message is that these babes are more breathless and more hot-blooded if you're not married to them.  But an interesting thing happens when the Playboy philosophy meets real life-it destroys sexual satisfaction.  Contrary to the endless orgasms pornography promises, "I can't get no satisfaction" could be the next rallying cry for the Playboy crowd.

2.  Porn Makes Him Think He's a Lady's Man

Men who are involved in pornography often have a false impression of their own sexual prowess. In his fantasies, his imagery partner squeals with delight and he just  knows it's because he's some kind of supreme sex machine.  If he's buying sex, well, he's getting false information there, too.  Prostitutes are paid to fake it.

When Mr. Stud Muffin climbs into bed with his wife, he expects the same kind of undying gratitude.  Instead of "I really want to be with you," his attitude is "Aren't you lucky to have me in your bed?"  If the wife can't respond to his clumsy approaches like the girl of his dreams or the woman he picked up down at the local strip joint, well, it's her problem-after all, he was more than adequate for other women.

This is a self-defeating cycle.  The less adequate he feels with his wife, the more he wants (and thinks he needs) to be with other women.  The more dissatisfying (or even outright degrading) a sexual experience is for the wife, the less likely she is to want to have anything to do with her husband.

The fact that our society tacitly applauds the stud muffin image as a sign of real manhood works as positive reinforcement for a guy who's trying to justify multiple sex partners.

But the lie is, instead of affirming his manhood, having multiple sexual partners actually destroys a man's masculinity.

3.  Porn Shortens Foreplay and Contributes to Premature Ejaculation

"We don't make love, we have sex." "There's no tenderness and everything is over so fast, I feel used.  Wives whose husbands are involved in pornography often find themselves rushed through their sexual relationships.  He's interested in getting down to the "good stuff".  She wonders, "What happened to foreplay?"

Though there can be other physical or psychological cause of premature ejaculation, masturbation is a major cause of "learned" premature ejaculation.  There is a strong link between pornography and masturbation.





 

4.  Porn Creates Sexual Isolation

Intimacy is about opening up and revealing ourselves to another.  It's not about manipulating another to fulfill our fantasies.  Intimacy is about caring for another's pleasure as much or more than we care about our own.  It's not about seeing another as just a tool to bring us pleasure.  Intimacy is about truly desiring to be with another.  It's not about not pretending to want to be with one person while in our hearts we wish we were with someone else.

Intimacy is about cherishing another in ways that go far beyond sex.  It's not about seeing that person as disposable when the demands of everyday life put a crimp on sexual escapades.  When you're just someone's outlet for his fantasy life, you know that all you're doing is having sex with your body while your partner's mind and heart are far away with someone else.  Fantasy is the ultimate user's game and the ultimate tool for sexual isolation.

 

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WEEK #9
CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION PT.2 





WEEK #7
I TAKE THIS WOMAN

Would it surprise you to know that the ancient Hebrews believed that wisdom is closely related to the things we look at?

The Hebrew word for "wise"-sakal- gives us the understanding that the things we look at and think about affect our ability to be intelligent and prudent.

Because of this, what we take in through our eyes is extremely important.

Opening our eyes to evil has relational consequences.

I saw my husband lose his soul to pornography.  Pornography kills the soul, steals the heart, and destroys the mind.  Pornography is not a victimless crime.

SIGNS AND SEALS OF THE COVENANT
Yet you ask, Why does He reject it (your offering)?  Because the Lord was witness to the covenant made at your marriage between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless.  Yet, she is your companion and the wife of your covenant.
Malachi 2:14

Covenant  breaking or betrayal of trust is the greatest of all sins.
Keith Intrater

The primary sign of the marriage covenant is a ring.  This ring is given in two stages: the promise and the commitment.  In the first stage, a promise is made to enter into a discussion of covenant relationship.  This stage is called the engagement and is signified by the engagement ring.  The commitment stage occurs at the actual marriage ceremony.  Here, wedding rings are exchanged as a sign to anyone the couple meet that they are in a covenant relationship.




Running rampant in our society is one of the greatest causative agents of the alienation of affections ever devised-pornography.  Pornography says the marriage bed is elastic enough to stretch to accommodate more than two people.  The whole purpose of pornography is to elicit a sexual response.  Whether it's a video, a magazine, or "adult" entertainment, the goal is to arouse the sexual passions of the viewers.

When our sexual passions are aroused by someone other than our spouse, it's only human nature to compare our spouse's "sexiness" to the "sexiness" of the one we're attracted to.  So, what happens to our view of our spouse when we can "enjoy" a firm, beautifully made-up, air-brushed centerfold?  Studies show the spouse loses.  There is a decrease in the valuation of faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.



 

In a study by Zillman and Bryant, it shows that just six hours of exposure to soft-core pornography is enough to destroy the viewer's satisfaction with his or her spouse.  Even when friends and acquaintances told me I was an attractive woman, I wasn't attractive enough to compete with eternally young, surgically altered models.





Over the years, I've spoken with other women who have had similar experiences.  They tried extra hard to be attractive to their husbands; but the year-after-year battering of constant comparisons with other women and the continual attack on their desirability as a sexual partner wounded their spirits to such a point that they gave up and became the exact opposite of the firm, gorgeous, beautifully made-up women their husbands kept trying to force them to become.  Ironic, isn't it, how pornography creates the exact opposite in real life of what it promises in fantasy life?

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WEEK #8  I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION


WEEK #6
HOW PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

I spent so many years guarding your reputation, never saying anything about what is going on in our house, because I didn't want others to think less of you.

I was pretty messed up in my understanding of what it means to honor your husband.  I wasn't honoring you, I was enabling you.

I was dead. Jack was dead.  As a result, our marriage was dead.  A dead thing has no power to raise itself.  Only God can raise the dead.

God raised me from the dead by breaking my heart.  When your heart is broken open, the first thing that comes out is fear, with all its hatred and anger.  Fear is the slave master of dead souls.  To push past it,  I had to own the anger and hatred that shackled me to the deadness within.  You can't get past what you deny is there.

We push past the fear by learning how to love-not the wistful, starry-eyed love that lasts until the toast is burned or he forgets your birthday, not the wimpy love that says, "It's all right.  You didn't really hurt me."

This is a love that says, "I will not cooperate with the evil that you are bringing into this house.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?



The Corpus Delicti of a Victimless Crime

We'd like to believe that pornography is strictly an intellectual activity, that it has no behavioral repercussions or emotional implications.  We've been told that it's a "victimless" crime because we can't see any immediate victim.  There is no corpus delicti to prove something has been killed.  There is no empty shelf to show us what has been robbed.  There is no pile of wreckage that can be parked outside the local high school to warn others of the consequences of dangerous activities.

 

Though there is no smoking gun, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence that a death has taken place.  Those who want you to believe pornography is a First Amendment right won't talk about the silent devastation that occurs in the hearts of men, women, and children when someone in their family adopts the Playboy philosophy of disposable relationships.  They want you to think that pornography is but a moment of time in an otherwise productive life.

They don't want you to know that the images of, and experiences produced by, pornography are permanently burned into your mind by a curious mixture of hormones that are released when sexually explicit materials are viewed.  They don't want you to know that this mix of hormones becomes more potent when the sex portrayed involves violence or fear.  They especially don't want you to know that as a result of this "imprinting" process, sex for you will now be linked with fear, violence, and shame.





They also don't want you to believe that these permanently imbedded images recur at will, much like LSD flashbacks.  These recurrences draw the pornography participant further and further into a world of fantasy.  Over a period of time, the lines between what is fantasy and what is real become so blurred that the one affected slips into a form of insanity.  His mind begins a process of dissolution as his thoughts track only one way.  The unused part of the mind begins to wither and die,  and he gradually loses his ability to think deeply about the issues of life.   
 

Eventually, he becomes an empty shell of a man.  Hollow to the core, he wanders aimlessly through life, seeking only one thing: fulfillment of the lust that has taken complete hold of him.  Every other achievement becomes merely a means to that end.  Until at last, instead of spending his time achieving, he spends most of his time fantasizing.  He voraciously reads magazine, frequently views videos, regularly goes to strip shows, masturbates several times a day, and spends considerable energy trying to pick up women.

 

No wonder Proverbs 6:26-27,32 says. "For by means of a whorish woman, a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.  Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?  Can one go upon hot coals and his feet not be burned?  But whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding: he who does this destroys his own soul. 

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WEEK #7  I Take This Woman



WEEK #5
USED UP AND WASTED

A person's hope is deadened when nothing she does is good enough, or when all her choices, no matter what they are, are used to punish her.
Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Proverbs 13:12a



The letters were written to Jack during our separation.  Writing them was a way I could keep him close to my heart.  It was also a way for me to come to grips with the pain inside.  I never mailed the letters because it wasn't wise to do so.  They are shared with you only to help you understand the devastation caused by behaviors associated with addictions.  For these letters are a reality check.  They show that real lives are destroyed and real hearts are broken when somebody looks at any body. 

Dear Jack,

We've been separated for two whole days now.  Funny. I've been counting the hours, just like we did when we first got married. "Wow! We've been married 10 whole hours." I'd say.  "We've been separated three whole hours."  And the countdown started.

I bundled the kids into the car and headed for Aunt Mary and Uncle George's place.  I didn't want to be there when you got home.  I couldn't stand to watch you clean out your closet.  And I knew I couldn't go through another tearful round of "I'm going to get it together, I really am.  Trust me on this.

As we were driving down to Massachusetts, I said to the kids, "I asked Dad for a separation."  It just came out of my mouth the way "I'll take a large decaf and one of those cranberry muffins" would.  I couldn't believe it.  They are good kids, they deserve better than this.  Deserve. What's to deserve in love? Love is about giving. You're supposed to endure all things, hope all things.  But I'm too tired to endure anymore, and my hope ran out when I discovered you lied to me once more.  How come you're such a liar?

Dear Jack,

Monday, Uncle George told Aunt Mary to take me out and buy me a new outfit.  The outfit is beautiful-something I can wear while I look for work.  Then yesterday Uncle George told me to dress up in my new clothes; he was going to take me out to lunch to meet some of his business associates.  Uncle George thought I might get some helpful advice.  Just yesterday, I had been a wife and a mother, a home-school teacher and a childbirth educator.  How I loved all those roles!  Now I have to be something new-a businesswoman.  It doesn't fit right.  Ann called and ask me to stop by, I cried when she gave me a check to buy myself a new coat.  My old one was so ratty, I was so embarrassed to wear it, I hoped no one else noticed.  I'm so ashamed that Ann could see how poorly I have been taking care of myself.  Today, Aunt Mary and Aunt Sarah took me to a food warehouse and told me to load up several carts.  I wept with joy that I could be able to feed the children.  Finally, when I got back from the warehouse, Uncle George handed me a large check to help me get some things to start a writing business.  I was overwhelmed! 

All this generosity is putting the 20 years with you in a stark new light-it was like living off corn husks and never having enough to fill the gnawing emptiness.  Now, without you, good things are starting to happen. I feel as if God has opened the floodgates of heaven and poured out blessings on the dry, weary ground of my heart.  Why couldn't it have happened with you?

Dear Jack,

I drove home today.  I usually get more and more excited as I get closer to home. But not this time.  This time I'm driving towards the thing I don't want the most-a home without you.  When we walked through the door, the silence of the empty house screamed at us.



Dear Jack,

Here I am, three weeks into our separation.  I didn't sleep much last night. The bed seemed so cold without you in it.  Besides loneliness, I feel sick-like I am going to throw up-and I tell myself I have to be strong for the children. But that's not all I feel.  What I feel mostly is anger. I'm mad.  I don't understand why you won't let go of the pornography and hookers.  How could you choose them over the children?  How could you choose them over me?  You were all I wanted. How come I wasn't enough for you?  When we'd go out somewhere, like church, you'd rally and be your charming self, and everyone thought you were just wonderful.  With your sterling background and your likeable personality, I thought I must be the problem, so I just kept trying harder.  But inside, I felt like I was falling and falling, tumbling endlessly into an abyss.  And there was no one to catch me.

 

Dear Jack,

Our twentieth anniversary a month ago was an awful day, and I hope never to live through another like it.  It was like all the other anniversaries. You didn't have any plans to do anything special.  You didn't have a gift.  You didn't even have a card.  Somehow the fact that it was our twentieth made the neglect harder to take.  You said, "I'll get it together, I promise," just like you always do.  This time I didn't pretend that I understood.  This time I cried and cried.   Now I've had enough.  Enough hurting.  Enough crying.  Enough  hoping.

Dear Jack,

I put away the last of the Christmas things today.  Oh, how it hurt!  Maybe it's part of accepting what is true instead of what I so desperately want to be true.  Christmas was always a difficult time for me because you never gave me anything. I know, now your inability to give was a natural outgrowth of your addiction to pornography.  Lust is selfish.  It gives nothing unless it can use that gift to get what it wants from the receiver.  You were always wondering, "What's in this for me?"  It's hard to get people to understand that your addiction to pornography has broader implications than just having you zoned out over Miss September.  Lust made you selfish.  You only took care of yourself.  You wouldn't take care of us.  Lust made you angry.  In hindsight, I can see I was the stupid one not to go ahead and risk your anger and do what needed to be done, but I was trying so hard not to usurp your place of leadership.  The people at church told me if I would just trust you, you would rise to the occasion.  They didn't understand how I'd been trusting you for years and years.

I read Isaiah 54:4 in my devotions this morning.  It explains how I feel:

Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed for you shall not be put to shame; for you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.

For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit and heartsore, even a wife wooed and won in youth, when she is later refused and scorned, says your God.

That's how I feel, like an ashamed, forsaken, heartsick, rejected wife.  The Lord is now my husband, and He is taking good care of me.



   



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Next Week #6: How Pornography Destroys the Spirit of a Marriage 



WEEK #4

THE UNCOVERING

I will not in any way fail you nor give you up, nor leave you

without support.  I will not.  I will not.  I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor let you down, nor

relax my hold on you-Assuredly not!

Hebrews 13:5b





Jack was trying to start a business out of our home, so he was around every day.  I was delighted and so hopeful that we could finally become a family.  But soon, serious difficulties became part of our everyday reality.  For one thing, Jack had no real plan for how he was going to make his business work.  If work came in, fine. If it didn't, well, things would be better tomorrow. Our financial situation was precarious, to say the least.  But this did not seem to bother Jack.  He kept saying he would "get it together."  This approach to life is called "magical thinking" and is typical of an addict.  But remember, at this point, I didn't know Jack was an addict.  Everything was still a "secret."

But as time went on the business never really got off the ground, I became concerned that Jack seemed so unaware of the real financial danger we were in.  There were many calls from creditors, and soon I realized that Jack was lying to them and to me about what bills were getting paid.



Now Jack began to play games with the children, and things changed dramatically.  He would tell me to have them do something, and then when they were doing it, he would tell them I was being unreasonable for expecting them to do it.  He almost seemed to get enjoyment out of the chaos this game caused.

When I finally decided I would disengage from the game by asking him to deal with the children directly, he began to tear me down in front of them.  Every time I talked with him about it, he told me he knew it was wrong and he wouldn't do it anymore, but he continued.  Our home, which had been relatively peaceful up to that point, became a war zone.

 

Some of Jack's behavior was a result of going through a type of withdrawal.  At the time we moved to Vermont, there were no strip shows in our area.When he was working in Boston, Jack had attended these shows several times a week.  Although he was still buying pornographic magazines and acting out with those, now there was no place for him to get his "fix."  He didn't know how to cope.

Some of the behavior was a desperate blame-shifting.  Jack could see that his life wasn't working and he was looking for someone he could make look as foolish and guilty as he felt. All these things are behavior characteristics that accompany an addiction.  But there was absolutely no sign of any addictive agent in our home-no alcohol, no drugs, and no sign of pornographic magazines or videos.  The enemy was unseen, but her presence permeated every aspect our lives.







 

I was not coping well.  I was mad at God because I didn't understand why He wasn't coming through on the promise He had given me so many years earlier.  One day as I was walking, I was complaining to Him. "I'm submitting to you in every way I know how; God; but no matter what I do, it's wrong," I grumbled.  Then I heard that still, small voice again. I want you to stop submitting to Me and start abandoning yourself to Me.  I literally stopped in the middle of the road with my left foot held suspended in the air and shouted, "No!"

I shocked myself.  No matter how difficult the task, I had never before refused to do what I felt God calling me to do.  Suddenly, the Lord revealed my heart to me.  He showed me that my submission to Him had been based on fear and guilt-fear that I wouldn't please Him, and guilt that maybe I had offended Him.  Abandonment, I saw, would be based on love and trust.  Abandonment would move me out of the place of safety into the place of risking it all.  I would have to believe, all the way to my feet, that while God is not safe, He is good and completely worthy of my confidence, no matter what the outcome. "It's too hard, Lord! I can't do it, " I cried. Then I walked home, beaten.





But He wouldn't let go.  I struggled for a whole year, searching Scripture for some assurance that abandoning myself to God would provide a measure of safety.  I found none.  Instead, I found Jesus saying things like, "If you try to save your life, you will lose it.  But if you are willing to lose our life, you will find it." (paraphrase of Luke 8:35) and "Fear is useless. What's needed here is trust" (paraphrase of Luke 8:50)  On my thirty-ninth birthday, I finally arrived at a point where the pain on the inside was so great that I knew that no matter what abandonment to God meant, it couldn't produce any greater pain than I was already feeling.  It was the first time I had ever totally accepted my own inability to earn God's approval, and it was the first time I totally rested in His unconditional acceptance of me.  Salvation, I now knew in a way I'd never known before, was truly by grace through faith.  I had opened the way for God to take the next step.

Not long after that, I'd found out that Jack had taken $350 that didn't belong to him.  During one of my prayer times, I felt the Lord had strongly impressed on my mind that Jack had committed adultery.  Several times, I tentatively broached the subject with Jack.  Each time, he steadfastly denied that he was being unfaithful.

I kept feeling an urgency to face the adultery, but I was absolutely mystified about how I could face it if there was no proof and Jack was denying it.  It's a terrible arrogance to falsely accuse someone of committing adultery.  I didn't want to do that to Jack.  But there was something else stopping me: I hadn't completely settled the matter in my own mind.  Jack's denials were what I wanted to hear because I didn't want to believe he was being unfaithful.

 

Several months earlier, Jack had taken a job, and I knew that money had been set aside to make monthly payments on a certain bill.  Now I learned that no payments had been made for many months.  I also learned that the balance was in the thousands of dollars.  Hanging up the phone from the creditors call I was shaken, and I called Jack at work.  It wasn't long until Jack pulled into the driveway.  He had asked his boss for a few hours off and driven home.  "I don't have a problem with money, he said as he burst through the door. "I have a problem with lust."

   

 There's No Pain Like Discovering

That Your Worst Nightmare Is True

In the next few hours, much of the story came out.  It came out haltingly; it came out reluctantly; but it came out.  Jack and I worked out a plan for each of us to go for counseling and begin to attend a Twelve Step Group.  But over the next two years, it became increasingly apparent that Jack was unwilling to be honest.  Jack was lying to his counselor that he was working on the assignments he had given him.  Jack was also lying to his Twelve Step Group about the progress he was making.

His behavior continued to be bizarre and he was still involved in pornography.  He kept promising he was going to try and do better, but he wasn't willing to change his lifestyle.  He seemed to think he could continue both worlds-the world where he worked hard to convince people he was a devoted family man, and the world where he was consumed with his sexual addiction.

Addicts need to reach the end of themselves before they are ready to give up their addictions. After many difficult and dangerous days, it became clear that Jack was nowhere near the end of his rope.





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Next Week: Used Up and Wasted 

WEEK #3

THE GREAT ADVENTURE BEGINS

When your life is threatened, survival is the question.

Once survival is assured, healing is a possibility.

Rev. Dr. Craig Bensen

A Light Shining in the Very Great Darkness

Isaiah 60:1,2 says, "Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee.  For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee" (KJV)

There are two kinds of darkness in this passage: a darkness that covers the earth and a gross darkness that covers the people.  The Hebrew word used in this verse for the darkness that's covering the earth is choshek.  It means falsehood, ignorance, and blindness.  The Hebrew word for the gross darkness that is covering the people is araphel, and it refers to the misery and gloom that settle on people who are blinded by falsehood and ignorance.  It's a miserable state that makes your soul feel like it's drooping inside of you.



Scripture says this is a common condition of all people.  Blinded by the darkness of our false beliefs, we stumble along the best we can, vaguely feeling like something's missing.  Our minds say we're on the verge of discovering the answer to our dilemma-but our guts know we still haven't got a clue.  This conflict between our minds and our guts causes tremendous tension.  Outwardly, we may act as if we've got it all together, but inwardly we know the truth.  We are hopelessly lost in a place we can't see.  Up comes a little anxiety to let us know we're not operating with integrity.  Unable to stumble out of the darkness, we gradually pull away from life and its relationships, until our shivering souls are huddled deep inside us.





FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN

Through the years I had been told that God doesn't care nearly as much about what we are going through as He does about how we respond to what we are going through.  The prescribed response to any unhappy circumstance was to deny self and jump through a series of hoops.  This formula was guaranteed to get the "right" results.  If I hadn't gotten the "right" results yet, I was assured, it was because I wasn't jumping high enough.  The darkness of my deception was great.

These beliefs about God rendered me powerless to deal with the realities of my life.  Because I felt powerless, blindness to those realities was the only option.  Psychologists call it denial.

But then God had mercy on me.  He began to break down my denial.  A tiny crack let in enough light for me to say, "Something's wrong here."  Next, God showed me the passage in 1Peter on the night I made up my mind to leave and He helped me understand that my basic problem was hopelessness.

I began rising at 4:30 every morning to spend one to two hours with the Lord.  I was filled with hunger and thirst for the Bible, and I read it through, cover to cover, over and over again.  I was completely amazed at what I saw.  In God's eyes I was precious and worthy of love simply because I was His child.

 

This love came wrapped in a package called forgiveness, and there was nothing I could do to earn it or even make God glad He had given it to me.  It was totally free.  All I could do was receive it.

TRYING TO BRING ORDER TO THE INNER CHAOS

Many times I would beg Jack to tell me what I had done wrong.  But he wouldn't speak.  In the rare times when he did speak, he would lie.  I would relate to him something that had happened, and he would say, "Oh, that's not what happened at all."  I would act on instructions he had given me, and he would say, "I didn't say that, I said something different."  I was constantly confused about what really had happened.  Was I imagining things?  Or was it really the way I thought it was?  This mind control left me feeling powerless.  Because of my church's teaching on the submission of women, I didn't know what to do with my gut feeling that things were not right. I didn't know how to confront Jack. I felt utterly beaten down, crushed, and thoroughly ravaged.  There were many times I despaired even of life itself.

Then came the good news.  God wanted to deliver me from fear.  There was a way out of my darkness!!!  I was being terrorized, and He wanted to give me inner peace.  I was despairing, and he wanted to give me an ever-living hope.

My times with the Lord were sweet. Gradually, fearful and  wounded though I was, I learned to creep onto my Daddy's lap and relax in the freedom and joy that come from not feeling condemned.  There's only one feeling that comes from a heart set free of condemnation and that's the desire to worship the One who has freed you.

 

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Week #4 The Uncovering

WEEK #2

Pinched From The Waiting

Women are often told they love too much or love the wrong kind of man.  Love is now a diagnostic criterion for measuring mental health.  If you love the unlovable, let another person's desires take precedence over your own, or even worse, love someone who has hurt you, the (women are told) you are likely love addicted, codependent, and emotionally unhealthy.

Dan Allender and Tremper LongmanIII

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.....

Proverbs 13:12

Spiraling Down

In the beginning, Jack's casual use of pornography and R-rated movies had no outward effect on his personality.  As yet, his addiction had not caused him to take actions that would trample on the things he held most dear.  But the thoughts and images porn presented became seeds lurking deep in his mind.  Several years of repeated exposure to it watered those seeds.  The fact that he was doing everything secretly provided the warm, dark place for the seeds to germinate.  And once they began to sprout, they took on a life of their own and began to choke out his.

Then, shortly after we moved to New England, one of his coworkers took him to a club that featured "exotic dancers."  He was hooked and began to attend strip shows several times a week.  Now the influence of pornography was beginning to compel him into lifestyle choices that deeply violated the things his public persona said he believed.  Eventually, rationalizing that since what he was doing was private so he wasn't hurting anyone, Jack began picking up women who hung around these clubs and paying them for sex.  Again, this was done secretly.  No one, not even a good friend who was a coworker, knew.

Soon, the tension between Jack's public and private lives began to create incredible guilt.  He knew he wasn't living the way he said he wanted to, the way he represented himself to family and friends, yet he was reluctant to give up his secret life.  He wanted his loving family and he wanted his women. He kept telling himself he could have both.  But his gut knew differently, and the guilt generated began to eat at him.  Since he wouldn't stop doing the thing that caused the guilt, he began looking for a scapegoat.  As his wife, I was convenient, and soon his guilt came spilling out as anger and abuse.

 

Hey, Someone Turned Up The Heat!

These things didn't happen suddenly.  Jack's deterioration was gradual.  The light in his eyes didn't go out all at once, and his laughter didn't turn into sullenness overnight.  The guy with the easy, open ways didn't evaporate into a pathological liar in the blink of an eye.  If the changes had been sudden, they would have screamed, Pay attention!  Something very wrong is going on here!

Because the changes were gradual, they became invisible in the busyness.  For a long time I chalked up the changes to the everyday pressures of life.  I mourned what was happening to him, but I wasn't suspicious.  Suspicion is such an ugly thing.  It's so opposite of all that love is about, which is believing the best in each other.  I was like that old frog who starts out in a pot of cold water that's been placed on a burner that's being slowly turned up.  I had a gut-level sense that things were changing for the worse, but I wasn't really aware of the danger until the pain reached the boiling point.

As unsettling as it may be, this is not an uncommon scenario for couples where the husband is secretly involved in pornography.  Over the years, I've talked with a number of wives whose husbands' public faces were those of your average nice guy while "in their other lives" they were violating all that they said they held dear.  Often these men participated in some ministry aspect of their church, either singing in the choir, doing an outreach ministry, being an elder, or even being the pastor himself.  To those looking on, their marriages seemed strong; but, in the hidden places, there was rot.  The wives could feel the decay with their spirits, but they kept telling their spirits to be quiet because everything they could see with their eyes and hear with their ears said things were fine.

Waking Up And Smelling The Coffee

Once I knew Jack was in some type of bondage, he steadfastly continued to deny there was a problem.  And how was I to tell for sure?  Sexual addiction is unlike drug and alcohol addiction.  There are no needle marks. There is no telltale breath.  There is no stagger or slurred speech.  Sexual addiction is a private thing.  You can shoot up in the secret places of your mind while you're sitting in a roomful of people.

If Jack had brought pornography into the house, I might have caught on faster.  I saw it only once in the 29 years we were married.  Because Jack was so clever with his lying, and because he was so skillful with his "nice guy" public persona, I couldn't get anyone else to agree that something was terribly wrong.  I was all alone in my conviction that things weren't as they appeared, and it almost drove me insane.  In fact, I'm not sure it didn't.  I can remember crawling into bed one day, pulling the covers over my head and running my forefinger rapidly up and down my lips, babbling just like the folks who are certifiable do.  It was a wake-up call that I was going to totally lose it if I didn't start acting based on what I knew was true rather than on what others told me was true.

"Have you got anything to say about all this, God?"  I asked out loud, not really believing that anyone was listening.  My bible fell from my hand falling  open to 1Peter, chapter 1.  My eyes fell on verse 3: "Praised, honored, blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Messiah!  By His boundless mercy we have been born again to an ever-living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."



An ever-living hope.  I saw instantly that my problem was that I had no hope.  I had used up my options.  There was nothing left inside but a growing despair.  Funny, I'd never thought of it as hopelessness.

I looked at the verse again-my hope is ever living because of Christ's resurrection from the dead?  The verse was breathing on the cold ember of hope in my heart, and I could feel the tiniest bit of warmth stirring.

"But, God, I've done everything I could to keep the marriage vows I made to Jack.  I just can't do this anymore!"

And then, in a quiet place carved out of the confusion in my spirit, I heard these words: You didn't make your marriage vows to Jack, Laurie.  You made your vows to Me, and I will show you how to keep them.

 

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Week #3  The Great Adventure Begins 

 

WEEK #1

Pornography and spirituality do not coexist.  If a person is spiritually aware, he has respect for himself and others.  Pornography sells and feeds off of disrespect for self and others.

The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet, her soft words are oh so smooth.  But it won't be long before she's gravel in your mouth, a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.  She's dancing down the primrose path to Death; she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.

Proverbs 5:3-5

I want the readers to feel what I've been through.  I want them to know what pornography does to a marriage.

Ah, but that is a problem.  How to put the feelings into words?  How could I convey the loneliness, the desperation, the devastation, the shame, the outrage, and the betrayal of trust without betraying trust?



God Cannot Heal That Which Is Covered

Rottenness thrives on the darkness secrecy provides, and it feeds on the shame family members fear will follow exposure.  The only way to excise the rot in our lives is to slice open the denial and expose the shame to the light.  But this excision must be carefully done.  Just as one would never do surgery without properly sterilized instruments or allow the unmasked to peer into the wound, so one is wise not to invite those who have no sense of their own baggage to view yours.  Viewing the baggage of others has become something of a fetish in our society.



We've become a nation of voyeurs who feed off the offal of ruined lives.  Our feeding troughs are the talk shows, books, and magazines that tell shocking story after shocking story about how people have consumed themselves and others.  We become consumers ourselves by feeding off the misery these people have wrought, and  having eaten, we wipe our mouths and move on.

I have no desire to contribute to the feeding frenzy.  I will tell you a shocking story-my own-but I will weigh it against a standard of righteousness.

I will tell you because pornography is a wretched thing.  It destroys lives, and the only way I can prove that to you is to document how it almost destroyed mine.  I will tell you because there is hope for those whose lives have been ravaged by pornography, and the only way I can prove there is hope is to document how my life was healed.

Coming Soon To A Neighborhood Near You

Perhaps you think you don't know anyone who uses pornography; but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that whether it's a secret use, or an admitted use where pornographic magazines and videos are openly displayed in the home, people you know are struggling to make sense of the damage pornography has brought into their lives.

No longer hidden in back alleys, porn outlets are more numerous than McDonald's restaurants-and convenience is the name of the game.

 

Many families have become victims of a "victimless" crime.

So, after careful consideration, I've decided to tell my story and the stories of some other women I've been privileged to know who have been through the same thing.  To protect them and my extended family, I'm using fictitious names.  Those are the only changes I'm making in the stories.  What you read here is all true.  Every word.  I know, because I lived it.

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Next Week: Pinched From The Waiting